Dean Witter to Measure Success By Tracking Revenues, Expenses

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – After a three-year battle, the Securities & Exchange Commission today ordered brokerage firm Morgan Stanley Dean Witter to stop measuring success “one investor at a time,”… Read more

"Homeless" Reclassified As "Mobile Internet Users"

Washington, D.C.. (SatireWire.com) – According to a new directive from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, the estimated 750,000 Americans once considered “homeless” will be reclassified as “mobile… Read more

Intel Says Not Bunch of "Fancy Dans"

Santa Clara, Cal. (SatireWire.com) – Chipmaker Intel this morning said a press release issued by the company yesterday stating, “We are fancy Dans with satin hands Una Paloma Blanca over… Read more

Argentine Minsiter Hated That Dog

Buenos Aires, Argentina (SatireWire.com) – Argentine Economy Minister Domingo Cavallo, who last week said he wanted to tie the Argentine peso to both the dollar and the euro, changed his… Read more

CMGI + Napster = Wow – Wow

Andover, Mass. (SatireWire.com) – In a $1.1 billion deal, Internet holding company CMGI today announced it would merge with online music site Napster to create a company that no one… Read more

Friends Recall Gist of Cliffs Notes Founder

Lincoln, Neb. (SatireWire.com) – Cliffs Notes founder Clifton Hillegass, born 1918, founded Cliffs Notes 1958, sold in 1998, died Saturday, age 83. Hillegass served in Army, had idea for Cliffs… Read more

Sites Offer Large Print for Old People

Sarasota, Fla. (SatireWire.com) – Reacting to new studies claiming people aged 55 and older are the fastest growing segment of new Internet users, hundreds of Web sites have begun offering… Read more

92 Percent Of Web Sites Made in China

New York (SatireWire.com) – In yet another disturbing sign that the Internet continues to be little more than a reflection of American culture, a new study by New York University… Read more

Volvo With Spoiler Still Just Volvo

Columbus, Ohio (SatireWire.com) – Forty-two-year-old accounting executive Marvin Cohen had a rear spoiler installed on his four-door Volvo S80 sedan yesterday in the mistaken belief that it would somehow make… Read more

Earth to Wal-Mart…

Fayetteville, Ark. (SatireWire.com) – Emerging from the deep, isolated cavern where its executives apparently have been hibernating for the past two years, Wal-Mart Friday proudly announced it will roll out… Read more
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