FIFA ORDERS SUAREZ TO BE PUT DOWN

NATAL, BRAZIL (SatireWire.com) -- After a third biting incident in four years, Uruguayan striker Luis Suarez will be put down, football’s governing body ruled today. Read more

STERLING WILLING TO SELL CLIPPERS IF HE CAN STILL OWN BLACK PLAYERS

LOS ANGELES (SatireWire.com) – In a last-ditch effort to compromise with the NBA, Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling today said he is willing to sell the franchise as long… Read more

POLL: 90% OF NFL WOULD LET GAY PLAYER FUCK THEM IF IT MEANS WINS

NEW YORK, NY (SatireWire.com) -- In a new poll that belies the perception that pro football is homophobic, more 90 percent of NFL players said they would let a gay… Read more

XANAX NAMED OFFICIAL ANTI-ANXIETAL OF SOCHI OLYMPICS

SOCHI, RUSSIA (SatireWire.com) – In response to endless travel warnings about suicide bombers, separatist plots and potential catastrophe, Xanax today was named the official anti-anxiety medication of the Sochi Winter… Read more

NFL PLAYERS MAY FACE HATE CRIMES FOR TARGETING UNIFORM COLOR

NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Nearly 700 National Football League players may be charged with federal hate crimes after they purposely attacked and subdued opponents last weekend based solely on… Read more

RUTGERS FIRES ABUSIVE COACH, VOWS TO STOP RECRUITING PANSIES

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ (SatireWire.com) – An apologetic Rutgers University fired men’s basketball coach Mike Rice today and promised to clamp down on anti-gay, derogatory slurs in its program by cutting… Read more

ESPN SUSPECTS HACK AS TSINGHUA UNIV. LEADS NCAA BRACKET PICKS

BRISTOL, CT (SatireWire.com) – Every one of the 1.2 billion NCAA tournament brackets submitted online to ESPN predicts that China’s Tsinghua University will beat the "University of Kansastan” to win… Read more

PISTORIUS ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS GUARD, FEARING HE WAS STALKER

PRETORIA (SatireWire.com) -- Murder suspect Oscar Pistorius, who claims he accidentally gunned down his girlfriend in the bathroom because he feared she was a burglar, mistakenly shot his police escort… Read more

LANCE ARMSTRONG CALLS SELF LIAR, DENIES HE SPOKE TO OPRAH

AUSTIN, TX (SatireWire.com) — Lance Armstrong today lashed out at himself for confessing to Oprah Winfrey, calling himself a liar and threatening to sue anyone, including himself, who claims they… Read more

MANTI TE’O’S GIRLFRIEND SPEAKS OUT FROM FAKE HEAVEN

(SatireWire.com) – I may be up here in fake heaven with the make-believe angels and the cardboard St. Peter and the CGI Pearly Gates, but my outrage on behalf of… Read more
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