ATLANTA, GA (Satirewire.com) — President Donald Trump’s legal team today said it now believes the conspiracy to steal the election for Joe Biden may have included more than 80 million Americans who, evidence shows, “purposefully and willfully marked their ballots so they would not be counted for the President.”
Speaking before the 3rd Circuit Court of Appeals, Trump attorney Rudy Giuliani cited as proof the certified 80,318,657 votes for Biden – votes he said should have gone to the President but, mysteriously, didn’t.
“We initially thought a few hundred anti-Trump Republicans and Deep State civil servants were behind this, but the recounts and ballot certifications clearly demonstrate that it was much bigger, and that in fact the majority of the voting age population of the United States were in on the fix,” Giuliani said.
“It’s the biggest conspiracy in the history of democracy,” he added. “Instead of going to the polls and voting for Donald Trump, which would be the normal thing, millions of people willfully, and with malicious intent, rigged their ballots so they would register a vote for Biden.”
Giuliani’s assertion led to a skeptical exchange between the attorney and Judge Emily Murphy.
JUDGE MURPHY: Mr. Giuliani, when you say ‘rigged’ their ballots, you’re saying they… voted?
GIULIANI: No, your honor, I’m saying they rigged their ballot. Altered it. Purposefully doctored it.
JUDGE MURPHY: How so?
GIULIANI: Simple. They were given a ballot with nothing marked on it, right? No bias. Clean slate. But then, they took that ballot, walked into a booth where – and this is unbelievable – where no one could watch them and, with the stroke of a pen, whoa, looky here, suddenly there is a mark on it!
JUDGE MURPHY: In other words… they voted.
GIULIANI: They rigged.
JUDGE MURPHY: By voting.
GIULIANI: You say voted, I say rigged. Same thing. It’s still a conspiracy.
JUDGE MURPHY: It sounds like you’re describing a free and fair election.
GIULIANI: With all due respect, your honor, this was not fair. In fact, I have a sworn statement from a voter in Georgia, right here in my hand. She went to the polls. She was handed a ballot with both names on it. Both names. But, and you’ll find this shocking, she only voted for one. Joe Biden. There are two names, but you only vote for one? How is that fair? It’s a conspiracy!”
When the judge pointed out that a conspiracy has to be a coordinated effort, Giuliani jumped in with proof, holding up an array of bumper stickers and Biden signs.
GIULIANI: The Biden people were behind it all! Look at the evidence! Yard signs, banners, TV advertisements. They did phone banks and had rallies. They used every trick in the book.
JUDGE MURPHY: You’re saying they campaigned.
JUDGE MURPHY: Campaigned. They conducted a campaign.
GIULIANI: OK, I’m a little rusty on legal terms…
JUDGE MURPHY: ‘Campaign’ is not a legal term. And your side also campaigned.
GIULIANI: Ah-ha! Yes! But not against the President, not purposefully and willfully against the President! And furthermore, ours wasn’t as coordinated or organized. We have factual evidence of that.
JUDGE MURPHY: The fact that you lost.
JUDGE MURPHY: Case dismissed.
JUDGE MURPHY: Dismissed.
GIULIANI: I’m a little rusty on legal terms… did we just win?
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