European Central Bank to Intervene in Football Matches

Frankfurt, Germany ( – In a surprising tactical shift, the frustrated European Central Bank announced yesterday it will no longer intervene to bolster the sagging euro, but will instead intervene… Read more

Lieberman Sits Shiva For Dead Dot-Com

Austin, Texas ( – In an apparent effort to win support from the Internet industry, Democratic vice presidential candidate Joseph Lieberman sat shiva yesterday with executives of online furniture retailer… Read more

Big Tobacco Can't Afford Verdict; Smokers Must Buy More Cigarettes

Miami, Fla. ( – Tobacco companies insisted today the record $145 billion verdict against them will bankrupt the industry, but victorious plaintiffs refused to let the enemy off the hook… Read more


New York, N.Y. ( – Internet audience measurement firm Media Metrix, seeking to differentiate itself from competitors NetRatings and PC Data, announced yesterday it will no longer use the term… Read more

Juno, NetZero Merger to Create Largest ISP To Someday Declare Bankruptcy

Los Angeles ( – Struggling rivals Juno Online and NetZero announced a $70 million merger Thursday, instantly creating what will be the nation’s No. 2 Internet access provider, and the… Read more

Microsoft Hacker Still A Mystery; Sun Releases Sun Office, Sun 2000

Redmond, Wash. ( – Microsoft executives continued to insist today that whoever hacked into their computer system did not gain access to the source codes of its major products. However,… Read more

Lucent Finds New COO On Stock Message Boards

New York, N.Y. ( – Lucent Technologies today announced it has ended its search for a new chief operating officer with the surprise hiring of Stockpicker_Dude_78, a frequent poster on… Read more

Airlines Drop Arrival, Departure Times

Newark, N.J. ( – Responding to a dramatic rise in complaints over flight delays, several major airlines announced today they will no longer attach “stress-inducing” numbers to arrival and departure… Read more


Leeds, England ( – The British Beef Export Council, finally conceding it cannot guarantee the eradication of Mad Cow Disease, announced today it will discontinue cow production and instead promote… Read more

Exxon Mobil Declares Martial Law

Dallas, Texas ( – Exxon Mobil Chief Executive Lee Raymond yesterday declared martial law in the United States, an act that automatically suspended the Bill of Rights and forced nearly… Read more
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