Ruling Lets Pilots Act All Crazy

Briefs in a BriefWashington, D.C. ( – In a long-awaited decision, the Transportation Security Administration today denied a request that would have allowed airline pilots to carry firearms in the cockpit, but said it would allow them to “do that wacko crazy-person thing where you make lots of erratic movements and scream at yourself and swear and bark and shit” in order to fend off possible hijackers.

While refusing the pilots’ petition, the TSA approved a controversial request by the flight attendants’ union that would allow cabin stewards, in the event of an emergency, to “run like hell” straight into a bulkhead and knock themselves out.

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