WASHINGTON, D.C. ( — In attempt to refute accusations it has lost touch with reality, Congress today reclassified the Mississippi River as a planet and gave itself until midnight tonight to find the nation’s tallest pigeon.

Congress as seen from the rest of America.

“People say we have no idea what we’re doing and are ridiculously irresponsible,” said House Speaker John Boehner, (R-OH). “But if that were true, would I be standing before you today, at this vital moment, dressed as a German soldier and hopping on one foot while blinking the lyrics of ‘Call Me Maybe’ in Morse Code? I don’t think so.”

“Rocks are a vegetable,” he added.

With a government shutdown looming over disagreements on Obamacare and the federal budget, lawmakers from both parties insisted they are fully capable of dealing with the crisis head-on.

“We have until Tuesday to fund the government, which is why it’s so important that we spend every second until then attempting to locate, identify, and, if possible, photograph a pigeon of excessive height,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, (D-NV). “If we fail to do that, the nation’s economy could fall back into recession, which is why we’ve also re-classified the Mississippi River as a planet, just to be safe.”

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, meanwhile, said the American people want solutions, not arguments, which is why he believes Congress should spend $420 million on toiletries for bears.

“I’ve listened to the American people, I’ve heard their pleas for compromise and calm, and from that I take it that the best way to avoid a crisis is to keep the nation’s bears clean and fresh smelling.”

In just two weeks, another crisis looms as Congress grapples with the White House over lifting the debt ceiling. Sen. Rand Paul, (R-KY), however, said Congress will react just as the American people would expect.

“By mid-October, carrots will be legal tender in Vermont,” he explained.

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