WASHINGTON, D.C. ( – After repeatedly being labeled a dictator by Republicans and conservative media, President Obama today reluctantly agreed to become the Emperor of America they insisted he already was.
“Every day I kept hearing, ‘Emperor, king, tyrant,’ on and on,” said Obama of the Republican outcry following his executive order on immigration. “So eventually I’m like, ‘You know what? Fine. I’ll be Emperor. Whatever.’ I mean, half of America already thinks of me as an emperor, and that’s the half that doesn’t like me.
“It’s not that bad, really,” His Imperial Majesty said of the new role. “Yesterday, the San Francisco Giants came to the White House. I had them gilded.”

Just a few of the many images on the Internet supporting Obama's status as Emperor.

Republican leaders immediately protested, leading to a frank Oval Office exchange between John Boehner, now former Speaker of the disbanded House, and Obama, newly crowned leader of the Not-Quite-So-Free World.
“It’s a misunderstanding. We don’t really want an emperor,” Boehner said. “That’s not what we meant. You’re not an emperor.”
“Really?” Obama responded. “That’s funny, because the other day your spokesman referred to me as, and I quote, ‘Emperor Obama.’ And it’s not just you. There’s Rush Limbaugh and (Sen.) Jeff Sessions and most everybody at Fox News. Emperor emperor emperor.”

“Look, it was hyperbole, OK?” Boehner explained. “We were just angry that you pushed immigration reform on your own, like an emperor.”
“But I acted on my own because you guys wouldn’t do anything,” Obama answered. “You’ve done that since I took office.”
“Yes, because we… well, we wanted you to go away.”
“You wanted me to go away.”
“So you called me emperor?”
“Yes. No. Sort of. But…”
“You do know emperor is a permanent position, right? President: four years. Emperor: forever.”

“OK, maybe we should have toned down the rhetoric.”

“Maybe? Because you realize all the bogus stuff you accused me of in the past, like that $200-million-a-day trip to India, now I get to do that for real, and you can’t complain.”
“Yeah. I’ll try to stop some of that. You have my word.”
“I could have your head. Technically. You know, emperor and all.”
“Whoa now. Just… let’s not get carried away.”
“Too late. What was it that Congresswoman from Tennessee — Marsha Blackburn — what was it she said about me the other day? Oh yes. ‘Soon we will no longer need the legislators or the courts. King Obama will make the law, interpret the law, and if he so chooses, enforce the law.’”
“All right, she might have gone overboard,” Boehner admitted. “But hey, you can’t say you’ve been entirely honest either. You’ve misled people.”
“And a President should be held accountable for that.”
“But an Emperor is never accountable. So… smooth move you.
“OK, you’ve made your point,” Boehner said.

“Speaking of points. We have the whole ‘enemies of the state’ issue. You all oppose me, so legally I’ll have to put your heads on spikes.”

“That’s… you can’t do that!”

“Having a real emperor is a bitch, ain’t it?”
“You’re not a real emperor!” Boehner yelled.

“Honestly,” said Obama, “you can’t agree with me even when I agree with you.”
And at that moment, Obama turned and gave a signal to his cabinet members, who, Boehner hadn’t noticed before, were each dressed as individual Latin American countries. Out of thin air — which suddenly smelled of guacamole and guajillo chilis – a monstrously large guillotine appeared. Burly U.S. border guards, shouting orders in Spanish, dragged Boehner into the machine and forced him to his knees. Despite this, he was somehow face up, looking at the looming blade, which he would have thought was odd except he was distracted by the mariachi music that came out of his mouth whenever he tried to talk. Emperor Obama, his head wreathed in barbed wire, standing atop a wall that seemed a thousand miles long and was made entirely of tortillas and human suffering, shouted, “Hit it, Jimmy!” and Jimmy Page, lead guitarist of Led Zeppelin, launched into “The Immigrant Song.” The dangling guillotine blade, which Boehner now noticed was not made of steel but was instead a gigantic and lethally sharpened Green Card, came rushing down toward his head. Boehner let out a cacophonous scream. “Amnesty!” he shouted…
And woke up in his bed, in a cold sweat, the sheets wrapped around his neck as a callow winter sun rose over the nation’s capital.
“Honey, you all right?” his wife Debbie asked.
Wild-eyed, John turned to Debbie. “Obama is not an emperor,” he said in a hoarse morning whisper. “I’ve seen a real emperor. He’s not that. He’s never been that. We have to stop saying he is.”
And from that moment on, Republicans and Democrats, conservatives and liberals, the President and the House Speaker, toned down their rhetoric and passed sweeping immigration legislation based, not on fear and ignorance, but on what was best for the American people.
And then President Obama woke up and realized it was all just a dream.
“Fuck,” he said.
© 2014


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