(SatireWire.com) – You, America, have a problem, and that now means the entire world has a problem, for if extraterrestrials land in the United States and demand that you take them to your leader, you would have to take them to meet Donald J. Trump.
On behalf of the rest of the world, I would like to point out that this is, as the President himself might put it, SUCH A BAD IDEA.
So what to do should the situation arise? Here are some handy tips.
Tip #1 – Stall
Talk about anything you can think of: their trip, their families, the weather. ‘Boy, that hurricane on Jupiter? Ruined my vacation plans.’ Complement their appendages or exophthalmic eyes or exotic coloration. Encourage them to play some of the cool apps on your phone. ‘Hey, Space Invaders! You’d like this one!’ Basically, say whatever you can to keep a meeting from happening because we would all prefer to keep the number of planets in our solar system at eight.
Tip # 2 – Suggest they meet with someone else
A scientist. A historian. Any random fourth grader. If they insist on seeing a member of your government, recommend Alexander Hamilton. Explain they’ll have to wait two years to get to see him.
Tip #3 – Ask to be taken to HIS leader
This will serve to stall them further, most likely by confounding them.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader.
YOU: No, you take me to YOUR leader.
ALIEN: Wait… what?
Be aware: they might accept your offer and take you to some far-off world where the leader is a dysfunctional, megalomaniacal bawbag. At least it will seem familiar.
Tip #4 – Employ bureaucratic measures
Entangle them in red tape. Do they have an appointment with the President? Can they state in writing why they want a meeting? Have they recently passed through Syria, Yemen, Iran, Somalia, Libya or Sudan?
Now, depending on the size, shape and demeanor of the visitors, you may be too intimidated to ask these questions. Should such doubts descend, it’s a good idea to keep on your person a small printed card listing the two likely outcomes should powerful and intelligent extraterrestrials actually meet President Trump:
- Everyone you know will die.
- Everything will be fine. For maybe 20 minutes. And then they’ll figure him out and everyone you know will die.
Tip #5 – Plead ignorance
Argue that you can’t help because you have no idea how to get to the White House. This won’t be a lie, since you have no idea how Trump got to the White House either.
Tip #6 – Volunteer to be anally probed
I don’t know, aliens seem to like this. Worth a try. Do it for humanity’s sake.
Tip #7 – Sneeze
They might catch a cold, and as we know, this microbial attack could kill them off. Now I know, “shoot first” is just the kind of rash, militaristic American attitude that so often gets Earth in trouble in science fiction. But remember, this isn’t science fiction, and if they want to meet your leader because they assume he’s the best you have, they’re definitely going to be disabused of that notion once they meet him. So you might as well strike first.
* Alternative “shoot first” strategy: Go to YouTube. Pull up Mariah Carey’s ‘Rockin’ New Year’s Eve’ performance. Hit play. No way their immune system is prepared for that.
Tip #8 – Insist it’s ‘Opposite Day’
Explain that whatever the President says, he means the opposite because, hey, you just realized, it’s Opposite Day! What a coincidence! In theory, this should lead them to conclude that the President is an amazing, benevolent genius.
Tip #9 – Lower expectations
If the meeting looks like it’s going to happen anyway, try to play down how any potential discussions would go. Points you should make:
- You won’t understand him. He uses words like ‘bigly,’ ‘braggadocios,’ and ‘unpresidented.’
- Have you ever seen his TV show? No? Then forget it. If he finds that out he’ll just sulk the whole time.
- Honestly, he won’t even pay attention if you don’t include pictures.
Tip #10 – Dissemble
When all else fails, dissemble honestly. Point out the “irregular” nature of your current leader’s position, i.e., he didn’t technically get the most support, and most Americans don’t trust him to spell his name correctly. Beyond that, explain that humans really don’t have “a” leader, per se, and besides, what “leader” means is really quite subjective. Add that you usually elect a president who is more… presidential, but this last election you just sort of went for caustic and famous, and really they shouldn’t base their opinions on one person because your leader isn’t indicative of who you are or what you stand for as a people and if at any point during this line of reasoning the aliens look away, you should probably just make a run for it.
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