WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Arguing texting and driving is as much a part of the American travel experience as speeding, the U.S. Transportation Department today unveiled “text-only lanes” that allow drivers to meander across traffic, zigzag into oncoming cars, and eventually veer off the road completely.

Artist's rendering of a Text-Only-Vehicle lane along Interstate 70.

“People speed and we give them passing lanes to do it. People cheat to avoid traffic and we give them breakdown lanes to do it,” said U.S. Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood. “Well, people text and drive every day. We can either pretend it doesn’t happen and look the other way, or we can give them their own lane so they can look the other way.”

Critics of the Text-Only-Vehicle lanes called it dangerous and irresponsible, but LaHood urged patience, saying people may be surprised by the results.

“That’s what texting and driving is all about: surprise,” he said. “You don’t know what’s happening until the last second. So let’s keep our heads down and see where we end up.”

LaHood said the additional lanes will cost an estimated $495 billion, but will be paid for by a special surtax on wreaths and roadside crosses.

The decision was not without detractors even inside government, however, as National Transportation Safety Board Chairman Deborah Hersman lambasted the plan.
“Why call them ‘Text-Only-Vehicle’ lanes? Why not call them, ‘I-Have-No-Respect-for-Human-Life’ lanes?” Hersman complained.

LaHood said the Transportation Department actually tried to get that name but found it was already taken by the private bowling alley used by members of Congress.
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