WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) — U.S. high school students, whose recent math and science scores again fell behind their international peers, claim the tests are inherently unfair as they include questions on math and science, neither of which is their strong suit.
“These so-called measurements are ridiculous,” said Joey Vronem, a high school junior from Lakeland, Fla. “If you test us on science, and you ask questions with too much science in them, then of course we’re not going to do well. What we need are non-science questions. Then we’ll do better in science.”

"It would also help if all the answers were 'B,'" said one student.

In the newly released Program for International Student Assessment (PISA) tests, which measure math, science, and reading ability among 15-year-olds in 65 countries, the U.S. ranked 29th in math and 23rd in science. Asian students once more outscored most other nations, which U.S. high schoolers insisted was a clear sign the tests are skewed to reward those who excel in those subjects.

“Of course students from Asia are going to do better at, say, math, because they’re already better at math,” said Colorado junior Ian Aveny. “Asking them math questions is like asking me ‘my favorite color’ questions. I bet I’d do better on that than they would.”

However, U.S. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan insisted changing the tests would not be possible.

“Math and science tests — by definition — need to include math and science,” Duncan said. “If they don’t, we’re not really measuring how well we’re doing in those areas.”

“Because the questions are biased,” responded Tanya Jenkins-Barge, a Wooster, Ohio high school student. “Let’s see how those other countries do if you ask math and science questions about ‘The Hunger Games’ or ‘How I Met Your Mother.’”

The U.S., she added, does much better in reading, placing 9th on the PISA test.

“What that tells me is the math and science tests should have more reading,” she said. “Then we’ll see improvement. Oh, it would also help if all the answers were, like, ‘B.’ Just sayin’.”

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