WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Overlooked as scandals swirl around the White House, Justice Department, CIA, EPA, and FBI, the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service said today it could get up to some pretty abusive shit if that’s what it takes to get a little attention around here.
“People don’t think of Fish & Wildlife as being ripe for overreach and corruption, but we can be a real hotbed of intrigue,” insisted regional director Brian Wills-Perry. “We’ve never been asked to hack into phones or doctor crowd photos or attack Yemen, but we could do other stuff. You give me a drone and I can blow a hole in a rainbow trout, no problem.
“I wouldn’t, of course,” he quickly added. “That would be horrible. Animals are our friends. But we could, is what I’m saying, so how about a little media scrutiny for the old U.S. FS&W?”
As part of the Interior Department, the Wildlife Service faces steep budget cuts under the Trump administration, reductions that have been all but ignored by the press, which is focused on scandals at larger agencies. Susan Kaldek, assistant director of the migratory birds division, said the media is really missing a big story by discounting the department’s controversial work on surveillance.
“I’ll bet you didn’t know, because reporters weren’t doing their jobs, that just last year we searched a marmoset den without a warrant,” Kaldek admitted. “And every fall and spring, we capture thousands of foreign nationals. Specifically Canadian Geese. And when I say ‘captured’ I mean in photos. God they’re majestic…
“But the point is, you think our borders are porous in terms of people getting through? Look up, my friend. No wall is going to keep out a great blue heron,” she added.
Fish and Aquatic Conservation director Jim Freeman, meanwhile, said the Wildlife Service is not above a security leak.
“So the FBI leaks Russian contacts and the CIA leaks entire conversations, but what if I told you we’re working on a follow-up to our 2010 report, ‘Early Life Stage Mortality Rates of Lake Sturgeon in the Peshtigo River’ in Wisconsin?” he said. “And what if that ‘accidentally’ got into the hands of Field & Stream a few weeks early? Jake Tapper will be all over my ass.”
Late this afternoon, with the media still focused elsewhere, Freeman was seen carrying a snowy egret, a small staple gun, and a migratory tag out onto the National Mall.
“I’ll do it! I’ll incorrectly tag this egret in a sensitive part of its brilliant white plumage!” shouted Freeman, tears running down his face.
“He will, he’s crazy!” Freeman added, speaking out of the side of his mouth in hopes onlookers would think the egret said it.
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