CUPERTINO, CA (SatireWire.com) — Apple today announced its mapping software will be used in the government’s new $100 billion brain mapping project, a decision that has already produced breakthroughs as the software shows the brain is located not inside the human skull as previously thought, but is instead just off the Belt Parkway in Queens.

Apple Maps initial scan of the brain produced unexpected results.

“What we’re really looking for is a road map to the brain, and Apple’s mapping software is perfect in that, like the brain, how it works is a mystery,” said President Obama. “Just think. There are 86 billion neurons in the brain, and thanks to Apple, we’ll be able to accurately locate each and every one out of a hundred of them.”

Some analysts decried Apple’s historically buggy mapping application, arguing it “couldn’t navigate its way out of a paper bag.” The company, however, called that assertion unproven, pointing out that they haven’t been able to find the bag they put it in since August.

Once in full swing, the project is expected to help solve a bevy of neurological problems. Using Apple Maps, for instance, researchers say they can learn how to reroute signals in the event of brain injury.

“Let’s say some axons, or pathways, in your right brain are damaged,” said Apple project director Khalid Gwanjami. “We need to reroute. So we type in, ‘Where is the nearest undamaged axon?’ And the answer is… Sausalito.”

President Obama said Apple executives were supposed to be present at the launch announcement last Tuesday, but they got lost on the way to the White House, which, it turns out, is not in western Canada.

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