NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – The United Nations today admitted it has begun accepting applications for the job of “Greatest Nation on Earth,” a position the United States seems intent on losing.
While the U.N. does not publicly discuss personnel matters, sources inside the organization revealed the U.S. has received numerous written and verbal warnings about its job performance, forcing the world governing body to consider finding a replacement.
“We didn’t want to make it a big public thing, but yeah, we’re interviewing,” said a U.N. official, speaking on condition of anonymity. “The truth is, the U.S. has been really unreliable lately. Distracted. Acting all crazy, to be honest.
“Based on recent performance, we still believe the United States is exceptional,” he added. “However, we now believe it is ‘exceptional’ in the way you might say a disabled person is ‘exceptional.’”
While many Americans were not surprised, some expressed outrage at the news, insisting civilization would run aground without the U.S. at the helm.
“People can say whatever they want, but we are the envy of the world,” said U.S. Rep Louie Gohmert, (R-TX). “We are God’s gift to mankind!”
“Yeah, see what I mean?” the U.N. official responded. “It’s like America has gone all Kanye on us.”
A personnel file leaked to the media makes the case for replacing the U.S., which has held the post of Greatest Nation since at least the end of World War II. The report notes America is only the 15th most democratic nation and is 16th in adult literacy, 26th in child health, 22nd in freedom of the press, and 27th in infant mortality, life expectancy, and gender equality. Its education, it is 25th in math, 17th in science and 14th in reading.
The U.S. did, however, rank first in anxiety disorders, prison population, and cheese production. Unfortunately, a U.N. source said, there is no position titled, “Cheesiest Nation on Earth.”
While conceding America is not up to its old standard, one European colleague, who often works with the U.S., counseled patience, saying America’s performance at work stems from problems at home.
“I shouldn’t say this, but I happen to know that for the last several years, America has been hearing… voices,” the colleague said. “Really strange, scary voices.”
“This is poppycock,” responded former Alaska governor Sarah Palin on Fox News. “America has been the greatest country on Earth since those brave pilgrimen and pilgrimwomen landed at Jamestown in Philadelphia and helped the Indians build the totem to freedom that is the Washington Monument and said, ‘We’re not going to take anymore of this here tyrant tea because it’s not star-spangled so you better give us liberty or you’ll see the whites of our eyes!”
“Yeah, that would be one of the voices,” the U.N. co-worker confirmed.
Sources at the U.N. High Commission on Human Resources said they hope to fill the post internally, if they have to find a replacement. “To be honest, we’re kind of hoping the U.S. turns it around,” the source said. “I mean, who knows, America could always come back.”
“Ted Cruz 2016!” responded Sen. Mike Lee, (R-UT).
“Or, you know, maybe not,” the U.N. source conceded.
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