CLEMSON, S.C. (SatireWire.com) — Donald Trump’s increasingly toxic rhetoric reached its natural conclusion today as the Republican presidential frontrunner finished an explosive rant against Muslims, immigrants, minorities and the media by taking an actual shit on stage.
The crowd at a South Carolina rally initially fell silent, but quickly found its voice after realizing the candidate had, in that moment, managed to sum up his gritty campaign.
“Wow, that was like everything he’s ever said put into solid form!” gushed 24-year-old Ty Leveren of Aiken, S.C.
“He just did what we’re all thinking!” added 55-year-old Randy Loafen of Columbia.
Trump’s seemingly spontaneous evacuation came at the end of a particularly inflammatory 30-minute speech that simultaneously wound up his followers and unwound his bowels.
“No one likes me saying it, but I’ll say it,” Trump told about 2,000 supporters. “Muslims are evil, OK? Minorities are dangerous. Protesters? Horrible people. And worse than all that, Time magazine named that fat loser Angela Merkel as ‘Person of the Year!‘ Not me, Angela Merkel!
“Doesn’t that make you angry?” he went on. “Doesn’t that make you furious? In fact, doesn’t everything I say just make you want to… to… hold on. I’ll show you!”
Trump then lowered his suit pants to his ankles, leaned over his podium, and defecated.
Sensing unease in the silence that followed, the candidate quickly took control, strutting around the stage and nodding at his handiwork.
“First of all, I have to say, wow, that’s a great crap,” Trump said. “Maybe the best crap ever? People will say that. Because I crap like nobody’s business, that’s how good I am at crapping. I’m full up to here with it. Doctors – the best specialists – have told me that. They say, ‘Donald, you’re so amazing. You’re so full of crap.’ So yeah, great, great crap.
“But that steaming pile on the floor is more than that, folks,” he continued. “That incredible, steaming pile of billionaire gold is my message. That’s what I say about Islam! That’s what I say about liberal America! That’s what I say about Time magazine! That, folks, is what I have said, and will continue to say, right up to the day I’m sworn in as your next president!”
The crowd then burst into cheers, replacing its usual chant of “Trump! Trump! Trump!” with shouts of, “Dump! Dump! Dump!” But the business mogul demurred.
“Folks folks folks, please, I can’t,” he intoned. “I’ve got to save some. I’ve got other rallies today. But trust me, when I leave here, I’m going to shit on Iowa, I’m going to shit on New Hampshire, and when I’m elected, I’m going to shit on the whole country!”
After the rally, Trump followers were ecstatic.
“Trump is the real deal,” said Cheryl Cramhoster of Mt. Pleasant, S.C. “You know where he stands, and now we even know what he had for breakfast!”
Karen Everton, 66, who drove to the rally from North Carolina, said the crude delivery of Trump’s message would not dampen her enthusiasm for his presidential bid.
“I don’t know why he did it, but it makes me love him even more,” she said. “It’s like, Donald Trump doesn’t just say shit, he does shit. He literally does shit.”
© 2015 SatireWire.com
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