FATHER: Son, did you steal $20 from your mother’s purse?

SON: No.
FATHER: Your mother says you did.
SON: And you’re going to take a woman’s word over mine?
FATHER: She’s your mother!
SON: Hmm… I don’t believe I know her.
FATHER: Your own mother?
SON: I’ve met a lot of mothers. I can’t remember all of them.
FATHER: We have pictures of you together all over the house! And look here, this is a pencil holder you made for her in 5th grade. You signed the bottom, ‘I love you Mom. From Dylan’
SON: That doesn’t look like my signature.
FATHER: Well, you made this five years ago.
SON: If you’re going to bring up things that allegedly happened five years ago…
FATHER: You didn’t steal from her five years ago! You did it today.
SON: Are there any witnesses?
FATHER: She’s the witness. She says she saw you.
SON: I don’t recall doing that, and if I do, I don’t recall it happening in the way she describes.
FATHER: And how would you describe it?
SON: If it happened, it was consensual. She gave it to me.
FATHER: She gave it to you.
SON: Yeah. Some women like you to take from them. They act like they don’t, but…
FATHER: That’s enough! Did you take her money?
SON: This seems politically motivated.
SON: I want to go to the movies tonight, Mom doesn’t want me to go to the movies tonight, so she’s made up this story to get me in trouble.
FATHER: She’s not making it up.
SON: Really? Because it’s seems awfully convenient, her coming out with these accusations right before the movie starts.
FATHER: About that… it’s not the only accusation. Last month, when you were babysitting your cousin, your Aunt Nancy said there was money missing from her nightstand. We didn’t want to believe it was you, but now…
SON: Are you paying them?
SON: Are you paying these women to say these things about me?
FATHER: No! Why in hell would I do that?
SON: Oh I don’t know. Maybe to derail my agenda.
FATHER: Your agenda?
SON: My movie-going agenda.
FATHER: That’s ridiculous.
SON: You look down on my movie values.
FATHER: No I… well, the movies you like are terrible – all blood and guns and booty-shaking and explosions.
SON: Sounds like somebody doesn’t love America.
FATHER: Of course I love America.
SON: Are we done here? I want to catch the previews.
FATHER: You’re not going anywhere. You’re grounded.
SON: What for? I’ve denied it.
FATHER: You don’t have to admit to something to be punished for it.
SON: Um… Earth to Dad. Yes you do.
FATHER: Go to your room.
SON: Fine. But I’m going to see that movie eventually.
FATHER: What movie is it, anyway?
SON: The new Star Wars. It’s about these brave Sith patriots who want to make the Universe great again, and the whiney Jedi snowflakes who refuse to help.
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