MOSCOW (SatireWire.com) — After claiming the right to seize Crimea because of its Russian heritage, President Vladimir Putin announced today he will also have to annex St. Petersburg, Fla., Moscow, Idaho, Odessa, Texas, Siberia, Ind., and the Russian River Valley in California.
Residents of the central Florida city expressed outrage and vowed never to become part of Russia, but Putin said he has no choice.
“What can I do? It is a fact that St. Petersburg was founded by a Russian and named for the Russian city of his birth,” said Putin. “It has existed now for 126 years and in all that time they never changed the name. Why? Because like all things truly Russian, it longs for the Mother Country.”
As for the other U.S. locations in his sights, Putin insisted he has a duty to protect Russians everywhere.
“The Russian River Valley is not called the ‘American River Valley,’ is it? So we must assume it is Russian,” the President said. “Odessa is named for the city in Ukraine — which as you know I also call ‘Russia’ — and Moscow, Idaho — do I even need to explain that one?”
Putin said the decision to annex these places is not final and indicated he is willing to negotiate, but in a sharply worded phone call with his Russian counterpart, President Obama refused.
OBAMA: Vladimir, you cannot just claim a city in Florida.
PUTIN: What is the problem? For us it is just like Crimea.
OBAMA: It is not like Crimea. It was never once part of your country. There are very few ethnic Russians to protect. It doesn’t have historical and cultural ties to Russia. The majority of the population does not want to join Russia!”
PUTIN: OK, calm down. Perhaps you are right. It is not like Crimea.
OBAMA: Not even close.
PUTIN: So you can keep your St. Petersburg.
OBAMA: Fine.
PUTIN: And California.
OBAMA: Fine.
PUTIN: And Idaho.
OBAMA: Fine.
PUTIN: We’ll just take Crimea.
OBAMA: Fine.
PUTIN: Nice talking to you.
OBAMA: Nice talking to… wait. What just happened?
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