By: An Israeli Warplane
I know, right? I looks kinda awkward that I “just happened” to bomb Damascus Sunday, but that’s what happened. It wasn’t, like, planned or anything. It wasn’t like I went out of my way. I was just bombing in the neighborhood. Honestly.
It was totally a last minute, impulse thing. You see, I was bombing near the Syria-Lebanon border, knocking out a weapons convoy headed to Hezbollah from Iran, and I was like, “Hey, I wonder what’s up with that chemical weapons research center near Damascus. And the barracks where Syria’s top military hangs out.” True, Damascus is a long way from Tel Aviv, but it’s not like I was walking. I was flying. It only took a few minutes. No biggie.

And just so you know, I bomb a lot of places. It’s not like you’re special. Don’t be so high on yourself.

Yeah, I understand it looks weird if you’re, say, Bashar al-Assad. But hey, I can’t drop in on an old friend? And by friend I mean not a friend? I’d have been embarrassed not to. If I hadn’t, probably you’d be saying, “What, you’re in the neighborhood and you don’t bomb me? What am I, chopped liver?”

Seriously, I don’t know why you’re even making a big deal out of this. Unless I caught you at a bad time. Did I catch you at a bad time? You were busy killing innocent civilians or something, right? Isn’t that always the way? I mean, you’re just getting in the shower or sitting down to dinner or killing innocent civilians and suddenly the doorbell rings, except in this case it’s not a doorbell it’s a bomb. Semantics.

Last thing you need, right? It’s so hard to kill your own people when others are constantly dropping bombs in on you. I get that.

But hey, Bashar, probably I’m not the only foreigner who’s dropped a bomb on you lately, right? A genocidal maniac like you, I bet lots of outsiders dropping bombs on you every day.

Wait, they’re not? You’re kidding. That’s so sad. Honestly. You should totally have more folks bombing you.

OK, so I guess I should have called ahead, although, talk about awkward: “Hey Bashar, I’m bombing in your neck of the woods and was thinking of stopping by about, oh, 2 a.m., knocking out the your Revolutionary Guard, the 104th brigade headquarters, a weapons depot in Qasyoun and a military research center at Jamraya. You up for visitors?”

Cause you’d say no, am I right? You always say no.

You need to loosen up. I was trying to be fun and spontaneous. Minus the fun part, technically. But certainly spontaneous. Some people like surprises, you know. Guess you’re not one of them.
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