Lack of Bourgeoisie Cooperation, Strong TV Lineup, Turn Back Universal Uprising

Everywhere ( – The long-awaited Revolution, when the oppressed and disenfranchised break the chains of economic servitude and social injustice and put the tyrants and plutocrats up against the wall, finally arrived yesterday, but quickly fizzled after the ruling classes said it wasn’t a good time.

The Smathers

“It was 8 o’clock at night, we had guests over, I was introducing a new line of cookware in the morning, and suddenly my employees want to overturn the status quo and establish a classless society?” said Martha Stewart, CEO of Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia and one of those slated to be “first up against the wall” when the Revolution came. “Of course I said ‘No.'”

Across the globe, attempts to cast off the shackles of capitalist oppression met similar fates. In Szentgotthárd, Hungary, second-shift workers at a General Motors plant attempted to seize the means of production, but were told they needed to make an appointment with plant manager Istvar Tari, whom workers described “almost impossible to get a hold of.” In Syria, meanwhile, revolutionaries ran into logistical problems.

“We always said that when the Revolution came, the United States of America would be first up against the wall,” said Rashap Abdi, a bicycle maker in Damascus. “So when the Revolution really did come, we all gathered by this big wall, and we waited, and we waited, and the United States never showed up.”

Abdi’s younger brother, 16-year-old Hafez, vowed to go to the United States and find a wall himself, but the elder Abdi wouldn’t hear of it. “I was like, ‘Oh yes, Hafez. You go to America. You can’t even drive.'”

Visibly disappointed, revolutionary leaders conceded they didn’t anticipate the depth of opposition from corporate and political hegemonists; their sole victory was at Harvard University, where students successfully rose up against themselves. As for what went wrong, the activists hinted that the masses gave up too easily, although some suggested the decision to schedule the universal uprising to compete with a popular television viewing hour in the United States was ill-advised.

“I wanted to join in and all, but I was watching Touched by an Angel,” explained Carolyn Ebsen, a data processor in Augusta, Ga. “Everybody who knows me knows you do not interrupt me during Touched by an Angel, not even for the ascendancy of the proletariat over the exploitative bourgeoisie.”

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