FAIRFAX, VA ( — Expanding on their theory that more guns lead to less gun crime, and therefore fewer guns lead to more gun crime, NRA-backed researchers today said they have worked out that before guns were invented, everyone on the planet was killed by a gun.

This man probably killed Cleopatra with an Asp-15.

“It’s accepted here that more guns reduces gun crime,” said Mark Bulwick, a social scientist in the NRA’s Research and Information Division. “But that got us thinking that the opposite must also be true; that decreasing the number of guns actually increases gun crime. From there you can work it out in your head. When you get to zero guns, boom, massive explosion in gun crimes.”
Although the Chinese are credited with inventing gunpowder in about the 10th century, Berwick said the first handgun – essentially the first form of firearm self-defense – wasn’t created until the 15th Century, when the French made the short-barreled arquebus. Prior to that, people could not defend themselves with a firearm, not to mention stave off a threat by displaying one.

“People talk about the Wild West with everyone shooting, but imagine walking down the streets of ancient Rome or Athens or Carthage,” he said. “Someone pulls a gun on you, and you can’t defend yourself because guns haven’t been invented. So you’re shot dead.

“Our research indicates that Jesus was most likely killed by a gun,” he added. “As was pretty much everyone else before the 15th century. Moses. Socrates. Those people at Pompeii. What a waste.”

In fact, because there were no guns to prevent it, Bulwick theorized that gun crimes may have killed more people than existed.

“Honestly, it’s a miracle the gun was ever invented because at the time, and for thousands of years before, there were no people around to make one,” he said.

Despite the seeming contradictions, NRA colleague John Testicquort said statistical analysis backs Bulwick’s conclusions.

“At the NRA, we’re able to study things from only one perspective, which allows us the freedom to really delve into that one perspective,” Testicquort explained. “And if you accept that more leads to less and, ergo, less leads to more, the possibilities are endless.”

For instance, working with that theory in their spare time, Bulwick and Testicquort said they also figured out that eating more cake reduces fat, increasing pollution reduces pollution, and increasing population reduces overcrowding.

“If you have, say, 20 people in an elevator built for five, the solution isn’t to remove people but to increase the number of people,” said Bulwick. “Eventually no one complains anymore. It works. I can’t remember why, but it works.”

Because everyone would be dead?

“Yeah, that could be it,” said Bulwick.

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