Company, Like President, Indiscreet; Should Get Same Killer Deal, Says Ballmer
Redmond, Wash. (SatireWire.com) – Only hours after President Clinton struck a deal to avoid prosecution by admitting he lied in court about Monica Lewinsky, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer announced the entire company will admit to an affair with Lewinsky if the government will drop the case against it, too.
In a prepared statement, Ballmer said people were “sick and tired” of both the Clinton proceedings and the Microsoft trial, and noted that both defendants should be given the same settlement, “especially since we’re both guilty of the same thing.”
“Microsoft did have an inappropriate relationship with that woman, Miss Lewinsky, and it was wrong of us not to testify to that in court,” the statement said. “This has been painful to the entire Microsoft family of products, and I hope our actions today will help bring closure and finality to the matters.”
U.S. District Court Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson, however, declared the confession “irrelevant” to the case, which is awaiting a date in appeals court. “I don’t care if they admit cheating with Paula Jones and (Rev.) Jesse Jackson,” he said.
In response, Ballmer said Microsoft was prepared to confess to those as well, although he insisted a Rev. Jackson disclosure would require “a little something” back, such as the complete revocation of the Sherman Antitrust Act.
Ballmer refused to make public details of the alleged affair, but according to an inside source, Lewinsky briefly worked as an intern in Redmond in 1997, shortly after leaving the White House. According to the source, Lewinsky met several times with the company, usually at night, where certain sexual acts were performed on the corporation. Often, Microsoft would lean against a doorway, or sit on the edge of a desk.
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