Generous Offers to Share Secrets Restore Researchers’ Faith in Humanity
CAMBRIDGE, MASS. (SatireWire.com) – A two-year M.I.T. study of unsolicited email, or “spam,” has concluded that you can earn $50,000 in the next 90 days by sending e-mail from your home, which is located near a college where sex-crazed coeds are anxious to meet you.
Researchers also learned that there are two ways to get a million dollars – win it or work for it – and firstname.lastname@example.org has information that can help you with both.
According to Massachusetts Institute of Technology Prof. Kevin Mirren, who headed the study, researchers were “shocked” by the findings, particularly by the discovery of “rampant altruism” among those willing to share incredibly valuable secrets for a pittance.
As examples, the report cited email@example.com, who would like to reveal to you the secrets of how he became a millionaire for only $39.95, and “Cliff Robbins,” who would like to introduce you to the “money-machine” that is “Electrigel Creme,” which represents a completely new paradigm in healing and recovery.
“I think one of the more amazing things we learned was that an exclusive club of highly-skilled options traders is sharing its incredible wealth-generation secrets,” said researcher Karen Zurgman. “You don’t normally associate options traders with benevolence.”
Not surprisingly, Zurgman added, that offer has a catch. “You have to hurry to be among the first 100 subscribers,” she said.
Not all the findings, however, spoke well of humanity. Researchers found it “sad,” for instance, that barely legal coeds were randomly contacting people near their colleges. “You’d think they’d find some nice boys on campus,” said Zurgman, who theorized these coeds might be at all-girl schools.
In all, researchers catalogued 35 million separate pieces of spam for the study, although in the end, only half that number were included in the report. “We had to go back and exclude about 17 million emails because when we scrolled to the bottom, they specifically noted that they weren’t spam,” said Mirren.
Among the more surprising findings from the study:
¤ If you miss the offer from firstname.lastname@example.org, you will regret it.
¤ 93% of people who respond to the email from email@example.com don’t make the cut.
¤ The stock of UTOU (OTC:BB) will skyrocket in the next two weeks.
¤ By calling 1-800-930-1389, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
¤ Members of the World Currency Cartel are amassing hundred of millions of dollars in the currency market using a very LEGAL method which has NEVER been divulged to the general public, but which you can learn for $25 plus $10 for shipping and handling.
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