OKLAHOMA CITY (SatireWire.com) — In a brutal and stunning offensive, thousands of Hobby Lobby associates, armed with X-Acto knives, scalloped-edge scissors and dual-temperature cordless glue guns, swarmed across the Deep South and Midwest this morning, declaring the entire region the Arts & Crafts Caliphate of Middle America.
Town after town quickly fell to brigades of blue-smocked fighters and fanatical Do-It-Yourselfers who replaced U.S. and state flags above city halls with seasonally decorated polyester porch pennants. Estimated to number more than 100,000, the DIYhadis showed little mercy, threatening to glitter-glue anyone who refused to join the proto-state.
Many who resisted were bound with hand-dyed, 6-ply Ecru tatting thread and had their tongues laminated. Others were simply left in the street to diorama. Videos posted on YouTube show government buildings suffered extensive decoupage.
The Obama administration quickly denounced the invasion, but refused to mobilize U.S. ground troops due to reports the extremists had mined roads with Improvised Embroidered Devices and were armed with remarkably fun and easy-to-make balsa wood catapults capable of firing bronze drapery finials or 10mm round silver bells in packages of 20 for $4.99.
Though the attack was unexpected, analysts had warned of an uprising after last summer’s Supreme Court decision in favor of Hobby Lobby that granted religious freedom to corporations. Led by evangelical Christian David Green, the nationwide chain took its victory as a sign that the Lord prefers craft-based capitalism, and now claims the true path to righteousness is lined with half-off black wash photo frames and Hobby Lobby® brand wooden buttons in assorted sizes.
Refugees who bravely made it past lace-ribbon border checkpoints into neighboring states spoke of numerous atrocities. Eyewitnesses said ACCMA fighters forced men to convert 18-inch polyfoam cones into decorative Christmas trees using only snowflake sequins and hunter green fast-dry enamel paint. Women were corralled into galvanized chicken wire pens and made to enroll in burlap wreath-making classes.
“And the children… oh God the children,” said one refugee. “No one should be forced to use zebra-print, faux-leather swatches for any reason. Ever.”
Media outlets were also overrun and immediately began pumping out radicalized, make-your-own propaganda. The captured St. Louis Post-Dispatch ignored the fighting and instead published a 48-page dictate on the appropriate uses of terra cotta flowers as makeup mirror adornments. NBC-affiliate Channel 13 in Birmingham, Ala., replaced regular programming with a 12-part series on pewter rosettes.
Speaking from the proto-state’s capital in Oklahoma City, Caliph David Green claimed the region’s 160 million people were now his followers, and urged hobbyists and craft-leaning people the world over to submit. While “caliphate” is usually an Islamic designation, Green said he had converted use of the word in the same way his followers might convert a long-stemmed flower vase into the base of a fluted turquoise floor lamp with fleur-de-lis embellishments.
He also issued a warning that the worst is not over.
“We declare now and forever the Arts & Crafts Caliphate of Middle America, and those who oppose us will suffer the consequences,” said Green. “Until our claim is recognized, we will hang one frame every hour. Our fighters will drape and frillage. Do not doubt my resolve. I’ve got extra-large Styrofoam balls.”
Late this afternoon, the U.S. government raised the national threat level from Orange to Cadmium Ochre.
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