By A. Deer
Oh yes, I’m enjoying this. I really am.
For as long as I can remember, humans have said things like, ‘Oh, look at that deer staring wide-eyed into the headlights. He’s so shocked he doesn’t know what to do! What an idiot!’ Well, I’ve seen your faces since your new president took office, and I can only say, ‘How do you like it now, huh? Not so funny, is it?’
Every day you watch this guy come at you all reckless and insane, and you are freaking out. I mean, the looks! Humans-in-headlights! Aaaaaggghhhh!!!!
What, you disagree? Well that’s strange, because you find it funny when you’re talking about deer. I mean, you’re in a 4,000-pound car going 60 miles an hour, you come out of nowhere and head right for us, we look surprised – of course we’re gonna look surprised – and you find that amusing. You use that phrase, “deer-in-headlights,” to refer to each other AS A JOKE. And one of the things that apparently shocks you most about this president is how he lacks empathy? Gee, I wonder where he gets it from?
The same place he gets his evil from, I would imagine. Yes, that’s right, I said all of you are evil. I used to argue about that with my sister. A couple of summers ago, we were foraging in the woods and we see these humans – mostly adult males, and we know to steer clear. But then there’s this young one, couldn’t have been more than nine summers old, and my sister was like, ‘Oh c’mon, he’s adorable. Look at him.’ And then he shot her.
You deserve every bad thing that happens to you.
And now that bad things are happening, it’s not a joke, is it? You are literally in the headlights of a monster truck barreling down the highway driven by a creepy old orange guy in blinders who’s tweeting instead of looking at the road. Look out!
And chill out. You’re not actually going to get hit. You’re not going to actually going to die. Probably. Whereas we get hit about 1.5 million times a year in this country, and yeah, we tend to literally die. But by God, that doesn’t stop you from looking just like we do anyway. And you call us doe-eyed and fragile. Pathetic. No… SAD!
And oh yes, I realize this Trump guy won’t be good for us, either. We hear snippets of conversation in the woods – from people who are TRYING TO SHOOT US, did I mention that? – and we get that he’ll likely do some bad stuff for the environment. He’ll probably increase speed limits and commercialize national parks and reduce chemical regulations and do lots of things that mean more of us will die. But to see that look on your faces?
Oh yeah, it’s worth it.
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