Wendy Is Not a Dolphin, But Robert Is

Greenpeace spokesperson Wendy Albright explaining how the group now opposes everything, including the use of color.

“It’s all bad, it all needs to stop,” said a Greenpeace spokesperson, who added the group will no longer send out action alerts calling for opposition to specific issues, but will instead issue daily alerts to all members that read, “No” in 37 different languages.

The new directive took effect immediately after midnight, as the famous Greenpeace ship Rainbow Warrior was ordered to oppose the first thing available, which turned out to be Barbados.

“Stupid Barbados. You must be stopped!” yelled wild-eyed Rainbow Warrior captain Niels Sturngen as he drove the bow directly into what turned out to be a beach. “Surrender,” Sturngen added.

At a press conference late this morning, Greenpeace spokesperson Wendy Albright explained the group’s new stance and fielded questions from reporters.

“So you’re opposed to everything?” asked one reporter. “Even, say, fruit salad?”

“Can’t stand it,” said Albright.

Reporter: “Paleolithic art?

Albright: “Yuck.”

Reporter: “What about Pink?”

Albright: “Hate the color, hate the singer.”

Even on issues Greenpeace has traditionally defended, Albright refused to waver.

“What about solar power?” asked a journalist.

“Stupid idea,” said Albright.

Reporter: “But you’ve always supported solar power.”

Albright: “I’m not answering any more of your questions.”

Reporter: “Why not?”

Albright: “I don’t like them.”

Reporter: “But Wendy…”

Albright: “No buts.”

Reporter: “You’re very pretty.”

Albright: “I’ll disfigure myself.”

Reporter: “I’ll still love you.”

Albright: “I don’t believe in love.”

Reporter: “But it’s real!”

Albright: “Oh Robert…”

Reporter: “Jane.”

Albright: “Oh Jane, we could never be happy.”

Reporter: “Because I have a woman’s name?”

Albright: “It’s not that.”

Reporter: “Because you’re a dolphin?”

Albright: “I’m a what?”

Reporter: “Sorry. Just guessing.”

Albright: “No Jane, it’s because I care deeply about things.”

Reporter: “But I care deeply!”

Albright: “But you’re a reporter.”

Reporter: “I can change!”

Albright: “Look, Tom Cruise and Jenna Bush!”

Reporter: “Where?!”

Albright: “See?”

Reporter: “Oh fie, how I wish I were Robert Burns for a fortnight!”

Albright: “But Jane, he’s dead.”

Reporter: “Can you not love a dead Scotsman named Jane? It’s just two weeks.”

Albright: “Farewell Jane, the lights diminish and my exit approaches.”

Reporter: “Farewell Wendy, and sing you my praises to your mistress Opposition.”

(lights fade; cut to downstage right, bedroom, daylight)

Robert: “Wendy, wake up!”

Wendy: “What is it, Jane?”

Robert: “Robert.”

Wendy: “What is it, Robert?”

Robert: “I just had the most amazing dream. You were in it. You said Greenpeace was opposed to everything, and that you couldn’t love me.”

Wendy: “That’s not a dream. Greenpeace does oppose everything, and I don’t love you.”

Robert: “Oh Wendy, is it because I’m a dolphin?”

Wendy: “Well, there is that smell…”

Robert: “Daggers! My life is over! Greenpeace, do you hear? This dolphin wants to die!”

(Enter Greenpeace activists holding Japanese fishing trawler. They beat dolphin with trawler. Play ends.)

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