Analysts Quickly Up Earnings Estimates
DEARBORN, MICH. (SatireWire.com) – Ford’s stock quadrupled yesterday after the automotive giant announced it agreed to sell 20 percent of the company to the Lord God Almighty, who analysts expect will take a hard stance against the idea of a ‘Big Three.’
Stock in rival General Motors, meanwhile, plunged 70 percent after the company announced its plants in Michigan, California, and Canada seem to have vanished from the face of the Earth.
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In a press conference Wednesday, Ford CEO Jac Nasser said he wanted to focus on the positive and refused to comment on the plant disappearances or the infestation of locusts at Toyota’s Greenwood, Ky., factory.
“We’re very pleased to have God on board,” said Nasser. “He brings an infinite number of years of experience to our team and we fully expect He will instill an omnipresent sense of pride, loyalty, and competitive Holy spirit.”
Nasser said God’s specific role at the company has yet to be decided, and analysts said much depends on which aspects of His management style He deems necessary to increase Ford’s market share.
“Historically, God’s business practices have been a little hard to read,” said Citibank analyst Jean Paul Gauttier. “At times he’s been pro-labor, such as the Egyptian incident, in which he dismantled a slave-based economy and embarrassed top management by introducing plague and pestilence.”
Other times, He has been decidedly pro-management, noted Forrester Research analyst Gelda Ming. “He’s been very top-down, demanding fierce loyalty from subordinates and punishing even senior administrators for what might be considered minor infractions.”
However, Ming and others said they believe Ford’s main interest in God is not internal management, but His ability to open new markets and win existing markets simply by commanding that it be so. For example, God’s Total Quality Management initiative, often referred to as the Ten Commandments, includes a warning against worshipping other gods, noted Cary Blake, author of From Model T to Minivan, an in-depth look at the automotive industry. When applied to business, this does not bode well for competitors such as GM and DaimlerChrysler, he said. “My sense is that God is not going to like the idea of a ‘Big Three,’ and that it will be whittled down to the ‘Big One’ fairly quickly,” said Blake.
God’s presence at Ford also will make purchasing decisions difficult for consumers. Analysts predicted car buyers will switch to Ford based solely on their devotion to God, but the Lord’s aggressive, “eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth” philosophy may also create a new type of customer, what Ming called “the involuntary consumer.”
Said Ming: “Consumers are going to have to ask themselves, ‘Do I want to be a customer of a competitor, or do I want to live to a ripe old age?’ That’s a tough decision to make.”
Based on God’s investment, Ming said she has raised her fourth quarter earnings estimate from $1.55 per share, “to, like, infinity.”
God’s stake in Ford, estimated at $40 billion, effectively ended speculation that He was in line to replace Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan upon his retirement.
God did not answer repeated prayers for comment.
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