Erratic Policy Behavior Result of Massive Hormone Surge
Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Though his fainting spell in early February induced a few knowing winks, President George Bush’s erratic foreign policy mood swings have forced the White House to acknowledge what the nation’s midwives have been whispering for months: the President is pregnant.
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| The President and Vice President practice timing Bush’s contractions. |
This will be the President’s first child. His wife, Laura, bore the couple’s other two.
At the White House today, spokesman Ari Fleischer said Bush would have announced his pregnancy earlier, but wanted to make it safely past the often difficult first trimester. Capital insiders, however, insisted the President has been “showing and glowing” for almost a month.
“It’s more than just a little tummy bulge,” said House Majority Leader Dick Armey of Texas, the father of five. “The way that man’s been contradicting himself lately, oh honey, he is definitely on the estrogen express.”
White House physician Col. Richard Tubb said such prenatal swings are common among pregnant men.
“During the first 12 weeks after conception, hormonal surges can put a man on an emotional roller coaster that makes him, at times, impossible to reason with,” said Tubb. “So, for instance, a father-to-be might crave peanuts one day and hate them the next. Or he might back a coup in Venezuela in the morning, and oppose it in the afternoon. He might even simultaneously support and condemn, say, Israeli attacks on the West Bank.”
Fortunately, Tubb added, hormones usually level off during the second trimester.
“Thank God for that,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, who is on crutches after Bush hit him in the Achilles tendon with a thrown waste paper basket. “All I said was, ‘Mr. President, it looks like your milk is coming in early.’
“Heck, I always liked it when my wife said that to me,” he added.
THE OVARY OFFICE
While rare, presidential pregnancy is not new. The oval office itself was built in 1909 to accommodate the expanding girth of William Howard Taft, who despite carrying what appeared to be triplets, never actually gave birth. It is particularly common, meanwhile, for presidents to exhibit the signs of pregnancy, such as swelling breasts, increased appetite, and heightened sexual interest. These symptoms often caused many to assume that then-President Clinton was expecting.
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| President Clinton (right) was never pregnant, although he was sometimes “with child” (left). |
In Bush’s case, observers say the pregnancy explains not only policy fluctuations, but other recent events, including:
¤ his mysterious swoon while watching the Super Bowl on Feb. 3. At the time, Bush claimed he had choked on a pretzel, but doctors now say it is likely he suffered a pregnancy-related fainting spell.
¤ his tendency, during cabinet meetings, to place his hands on his belly while coquettishly asking, “What’s bubblin’ in Dubya?”
While congratulations for the President were universal, some Democratic congresswomen hinted Bush should resign if his pregnancy is affecting his performance, arguing the American people “voted for someone who could give a State of the Union address, not a State of the Uterus Address.”
Rushing to Bush’s defense, however, Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle and House Republican Whip Tom DeLay announced they would co-host a bipartisan baby shower for the President sometime in August.
Bush, nesting at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, was knitting 200 tail-warmers for his cattle and was unavailable for comment.
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