FBI Vows to Address, Track, Record Concerns

Briefs in a BriefWashington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Seeking to quell fears it will abuse its newly acquired powers of surveillance, the FBI today promised it would not only respond to any concerns, but will follow complainants in the field to observe their concerns, and talk about those concerns with complainants’ friends, relatives, acquaintances, business colleagues, and anyone else who may be familiar with the complainants’ daily movements.

The bureau will also place special recording devices in complainants’ homes, cars, and offices to keep track of their concerns.

“By very closely following their concerns, we will know, day and night, what these people are worried about, and perhaps even arrest their concerns before they materialize,” said field agent Jeff Markoff as he sifted through a complainant’s garbage to see if any concerns had been left there.

Phoned at her home for comment, American Civil Liberties Union director Laura Murphy was not available, said an FBI spokesman.

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