Star Fleet Strictly Forbids Meddling, But Christ, Just Look at the Place
STATIONARY ORBIT (SatireWire.com) — Disturbed by ruthless terrorist attacks and raging war, the crew of the Starship Enterprise, which has been stealthily orbiting Earth since August, is reportedly torn over whether to violate Star Fleet’s Prime Directive and intervene in Earth affairs, or gather for drinks in the forward observation lounge and watch the planet go to shit.
According to Enterprise Capt. Jean-Luc Picard, the crew is evenly split between Earth-born personnel who believe they have an obligation to quell the recent violence and bring lasting peace to their home world, and non-Earth-born personnel, who point out that Picard didn’t lift a finger when Boral II self-destructed, so what’s so special about this place?
“Hey, we let most of the Boralans die. And we wouldn’t help the Klingon’s in their civil war. What’s the big deal here?” said Guinan, the ship’s lounge hostess and a native of El-Auria. “Besides, every time we do intervene, we leave the inhabitants more screwed up than they were before.”
“How could we possibly make the people on this planet more screwed up?” countered Earth-born First Officer Will Riker. “They think golf is a sport!”
According to the Prime Directive, “the right of each sentient species to live in accordance with its normal cultural evolution is considered sacred, and no Star Fleet personnel may interfere with the healthy development of alien life and culture.” While officers are honor-bound to uphold it, Earth-born Ensign Wesley Crusher argued the Enterprise has broken the rules before.
“Gee, this could be just like Episode 141, where Data tries to save the life of that little girl whose planet is gonna blow up, or Episode 109, where Capt. Picard interfered to save my life because I broke one of the Edo’s laws,” said Crusher. “I mean, look, it’s really cool to sit up here in our sexless spandex uniforms, downing Klavorian Synth-Ale and pretending we’re not all running the Caligula program on the Holodeck, but the people of Earth are gearing up to, like, kill each other.
“I know we’re not supposed to mess with the ‘healthy development’ of other cultures,’ but this is not fuckin’ healthy,” he added.
“I disagree,” answered Lt. Cmdr. Worf, a Klingon. “I am not of Earth, but some differences can only be solved through violence. Truly, I fail to understand why the humans from this planet’s Western Hemisphere have not already attacked the humans from the Eastern Hemisphere. Or perhaps I have that backwards. This planet keeps spinning in an annoying way.”
“Exactly, Mr. Worf,” said Earth-born Capt. Picard. “It is ever-changing. East becomes West, West becomes East, right becomes wrong. We should be patient. After all, on whose behalf do we intercede?”
“God, you are so French,” mumbled Riker.
“I say we… we attack them all!” said Worf. “This way there is no confusion.”
“Dude, are you sure you’re not from Earth?” asked Crusher.
At press time, Capt. Picard had yet to make a decision, but he is expected to rely heavily on ship’s counselor Deanna Troi, a telepathic Betazoid who said the planet below was a roiling sea of emotions. “I sense great hostility, fear and sadness among the people,” she announced. “But I also sense something else, something even stronger. It is… It is…”
“Love?” interrupted the android, Cmdr. Data.
“No, it is relief. There is widespread relief that there now may be no more Die Hard movies.”
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