THE HAGUE ( — As if the ravages of war, climate change, and a weak global economy weren’t bad enough, officials today announced that Earth’s warranty has expired.

With the warranty expiration, Earth can no longer be replaced if lost or stolen.

“Naturally, right? Just when stuff starts to break down. How do they know that?” said U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon, who conceded he got the expiration notice in the mail, “maybe a month ago,” and had meant to do something about it.

Under the terms of the warranty, Nature was responsible for fixing Earth’s mechanical and structural problems for the first 6 billion years or 6 x 1020 billion miles, whichever came first. While the planet has not yet reached the age limit, it has long since surpassed the mileage threshold.
As a result, Earth’s inhabitants are now responsible for all internal lubricated parts of Earth, including the inner and outer core, mantle, lithosphere, asthenosphere and troposphere, and atmosphere, as well as continental drift, seismic activity and tectonic subduction, vulcanization and any damage to base, sills, dikes, flanks, cones, vents and conduits. Oceanic, limnologic and fluvial damage is also no longer covered, nor is rotating the geomagnetic poles once every million years.
With Nature no longer guaranteeing the work, scientists agree it will take no small amount of ingenuity to handle geophysical and environmental maintenance and repair, particularly now.
“Honestly, the timing couldn’t be worse,” said Danish glaciologist Jens Jaskeleinen. “We’ve got hurricane season here, we’ve got major earthquakes all over the place, and the ice caps are falling into the sea. I’ll tell you one thing, this is going to take a lot of fucking duct tape.”
There is also the sourcing issue. The warranty covered labor and parts – parts that will now be difficult to come by.
“We’ll have to rely on the after-market,” lamented CERN physicist Lars Neusome. “We can buy a peninsula or a glacier made in China, but I guarantee it won’t fit. Thanks a lot U.N.”
“Back off, OK?” said Ki-Moon. “You know I told the U.S. Geologic Survey and the Royal Academy of Science about it, too. I even told the dolphins. They knew. Why don’t you get on their case?”
Some, however, have welcomed the expiration, arguing the warranty was far from perfect due to the expensive deductible.
“It wasn’t great coverage to be honest,” said Lita Serotti, a meteorologist at the U.S. National Weather Service. “Like with big natural disasters, Earth was always ‘repaired,’ eventually, but there was a 10,000-person deductible. You gotta read the small print.”
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