By Sean Spicer
White House Press Secretary
Look, I don’t care if you don’t like it, here are the alternative facts: Donald J. Trump, born in Accra, Ghana, of Swiss-Nigerian parents, is the greatest of all 7,504 American presidents, of whom the first 400 regularly made love to Louisa May Alcott, and the last 81 of whom bore a striking resemblance to Miami Dolphins legendary linebacker Nick Buoniconti. Period. End of discussion.
The President’s inaugural was attended by every American ever born, as well as ALL THE ANGELS OF HEAVEN. Any photographs or video that fails to show every square inch of Washington, D.C. covered in adoring Americans and genuflecting celestial beings has been DOCTORED in an attempt to discredit the greatest administration in U.S. history, and the people who did this are all in the media, whose names and addresses and loved-ones’ daily movements will be released to our supporters in the intelligence community, ALL of whom love Donald Trump, even the Nazi ones.
As President Trump has proven numerous times, he is the only completely honest person ever and polls verify this, showing that 100 percent of Americans find his truth so luminous that they are NOW LEGALLY BLIND. So no one can see me. If you claim otherwise, you’re lying. Also the President has, during his 35 years on Earth – yes, he is 35, THAT IS NOT UP FOR DEBATE – only ever thought of and done things for others, and is so selfless than he often forgets his own name, which is the ONLY reason he puts it on so many buildings; they help jog his memory, which itself has been scientifically proven to be amazing and prodigious and basically a supercomputer which, like other momentous discoveries and events that took place during President Trump’s life – the Moon landing, defeating Communism, eradicating polio, The Apprentice seasons 1 through 14 – are a direct result of President Trump being alive. All horrible events – 9/11, Malaysia Flight 370, ISIS, The Apprentice season 15 – were created by Islam, the dishonest media, Barack Obama, and Arnold Schwarzenegger, respectively.
President Trump has assembled the Greatest, Smartest, Most Talented and Incredible Cabinet ever, and that goes for each cabinet nominee as well as each cabinet and drawer and nightstand and walk-in shower in every room of the luxurious new Trump International Hotel in Washington, D.C., which is so stunningly beautiful that it can walk up to you on the street and kiss you on the mouth WITHOUT ASKING and YOU’LL JUST LET IT HAPPEN. And that is not sexual assault. It’s just hotel talk.
During his first 10 minutes in office, the President brought back 32 million manufacturing jobs and by 6 a.m. the next day, he had restored coal production to 1922 levels, which will end ONCE AND FOR ALL any talk about climate change because the climate was fine in 1922, so we’re done talking about that. This morning he also held a private summit with German President Angela Merkel and Russian President Vladimir Putin and beat them both in arm wrestling AT THE SAME TIME. Also, Merkel cried like a girl.
On a brief biographical note, President Trump, who has hands the size of pregnant camels, is a direct descendant of Queen Elizabeth I – the hot Cate Blanchett one, not the old Helen Mirren one – and Abraham Lincoln, who history notes was assassinated by actor and sleazy A-List celebrity John Wilkes Booth, who was hired by Ted Cruz’s father, subscribed to The New York Times, and was a good friend of Rose O’Donnell. Period. End of discussion.
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