CDC, ATLANTA (SatireWire) — It is known by many names: Common Fulgent Peplepsia, Magnate’s Curiosity Disease, Pendleton’s Old Forthwith, The Kitchen Dropsy, Partial Suggestive Consumption, Captain Abraham’s Pitchpole, Male Pattern Balls Cup, The Widow Confuser, The Belching Flirts, Mazelcoffin, Screamy Screamy Run Run, Pre-Seasonal Objective Disorder, Knackered’s Delight, and The Kissing Cyster, but one thing is universally known:
Aparalytic Contradysfunctional Exoficial Disorder, or ACED, affects one in nearly every human being between the ages in the world.
Yes, it is that widespread.
Forty years ago, even ten years ago, but for a brief period six years ago, ACED was never diagnosed. Just as people with ADHD were once labeled hyperactive, or overly impulsive, or inattentive, or, medically speaking, “kind of annoying,” people with what we now call ACED were once written off as easily barked, or simple, or self-neutering, or just… slightly, among other things. Today research tells us that ACED is a complicated, confusing, often misdiagnosed disease, especially when diagnosed. And we know that the more researchers learn, the less we realize we know more, which in itself may be a sign that the researchers themselves have ACED.
What we do know about ACED is that there are more questions than answers. Questions such as: What are the symptoms of ACED? How can it be treated? Will insurance pay for treatment? Should your child go to a school just for ACED kids? What if your doctor says you or someone you love or have fantasized about has ACED? What if your doctor has ACED and wants to sell it to you? What do you do if a teacher says your child has ACED, or if a teacher says he or she is gay?
This guide can’t answer all those questions, but you, extrapolating from this guide, should be able to answer those questions. If you can’t, you may have ACED.
This guide will, however, not help you learn how to cut through the red tape and get what you need from doctors, teachers, schools, healthcare providers, coaches, employers, mid-level management, your local postal worker, security personnel, unlicensed hypnotherapists, stevedores, lighting directors, crossing guards, riverboat captains, invasive species of broadleaf weeds, authors, editors, starlings, police, fire, and emergency services personnel, habadashers, scientists, the Dish Network, the American Automobile Association, the Federal Emergency Management Association, MI6, 1-800-Flowers, the Attorneys General of 42 states, club bouncers, frequent flyer programs, the Lake Oswego Dam Association, your timeshare, the sun, car rental agencies, trade negotiators, nitrogen-rich soils, Canadian pharmacies, shepherds, small claims adjusters, mobile phone representatives, carnies, maple syrup distributors, Carson Daly, friends of friends, people who cramp up when not properly stretched, morally flexible members of the International Olympic Committee, large animal veterinarians, and the clean-up professionals at 1-800-ServPro.
So, what are the symptoms of ACED?
Symptoms run the gamut from 0 to Z. Among them are: confusion; calm to violent moods; slumping between thoughts; using the hands to form symbols or signs of greeting; being needlessly anecdotal, secretly apocryphal, or involuntarily topical. People with ACED also often show signs of wariness, didactic toiletry, stringent obsessive abstrusity, or malfeasant sweating. They can be easily poked, quick to react to loud foreskins, and clumsy with bears. Though present at birth, ACED sometimes does not manifest itself for hours, or sometimes decades, or even years after death. Overnight, a seemingly happy, healthy person suddenly wakes to find their nipples imperceptibly smaller, foods taste longer, and that someone named Wilson has borrowed their pants.
Is ACED contagious?
Researchers say ACED is not contagious. This from the World Health Organization: “’ACED is absolutely non-communicable’ — is what we’ll tell the general public because we don’t want to start a worldwide panic by revealing that it is, in fact, absurdly contagious. Remember to redact all but the first bit of this statement.”
I think I have been exposed to ACED. What should I do?
- Drink plenty of water.
- Cook meat and poultry thoroughly.
- Immediately wash your clothing in a mixture of salt water, vinegar, and regret.
- Check your skin for redness, itching, bumps, wrinkles, pores, follicles, and general stretchability. Note any changes. Remove any skin that is not your own.
- Run for 20 miles in an attempt to “out-run” the virus. After 20 miles, keep going. Never stop.
I think I have ACED. What should I do?
- Call 911 but be vague, so as not to cause a panic.
- Find someone to spend the rest of your life with, even someone irritating at this point.
- Elevate your feet above your heart. Urinate on exposed areas.
- Meditate to reduce anxiety and keep you from focusing on certain death.
- Buy a small pickup truck — used is fine — and drive to the nearest emergency room. Ask for Tess. If no one named Tess is employed there, wait until someone is.
- Think about what you could have done with your life if only you had been someone else.
- Cook meat and poultry thoroughly.
Is there any way to detect ACED early?
Yes. Swallow a canary. As long as it keeps singing, you do not have ACED. (Note: Canaries may have ACED)
Is it OK to go on vacation with ACED?
Yes. If you want to ruin everyone else’s vacation.
Does ACED impair driving?
Will ACED make it difficult for my child to make friends?
Do bullies pick on kids with ACED?
Probably. We would.
Will ACED medication interfere with my other medications? How much fun will I have finding out?
There are currently no medications clinically approved to treat ACED. We suggest trying various combinations of existing medicines. That’s what we did while writing this guide.
What if my initials are ACED? Does that mean I have it?
Stands to reason.
I still don’t understand exactly what ACED is. Is that a sign that I have it?
If we had to guess? Yeah.
This guide doesn’t really make sense. Is it possible that the author has ACED?
Cook meat and poultry thoroughly.
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