DENVER (SatireWire.com) – More than one week after officially legalizing marijuana, Colorado insisted today it was “totally in control,” although the state conceded it has been giggling nonstop since Thursday and may have eaten half of Nebraska during a munchie run.
“OK, I may, at some point between last night and… last night… gotten hungry and eaten your Nebraska. Mmm sorry,” Colorado said slowly. “But in my defense, I’m pretty faded. And my mouth is like cotton. And I don’t remember where I put Aspen. And I seriously want to fuck Missouri right now. But other than that, it’s like … I’m good.”
Since becoming the first state to legalize marijuana sales on New Year’s Day, observers say Colorado is exhibiting numerous symptoms of a marijuana binge, including uncontrollable laughter, impulsive appetite, ardent philosophizing, paranoia, and increased sexual desire.
In response, Colorado said ‘symptoms’ is a funny word.
“Symptoms. Symptims-sympetems-simpesims… God I love The Simpsons. Marge’s hair is soooo blue.”
Colorado paused to stare at the sky before continuing, four hours later.
“No no no, you don’t understand,” it said. “Jesus and Peyton Manning are the same person. That’s what I’m talking about. But the government doesn’t want you to know that. Because of 9/11.”
“9/11 is not funny, by the way. Do not laugh about 9/11,” Colorado reminded itself, stifling a giggle. “Why can’t I stop laughing? Something is wrong with me! What’s wrong with me?!
“Oh. Yeah,” it said, suddenly remembering.
Meanwhile, federal health officials have expressed concern, particularly since this morning, when the state was found naked on a Utah mountaintop convinced it had found a wolf that could howl like Bradley from Sublime. By this afternoon, however, the entire state had settled in to watch a “Dexter” marathon on DVD and was laughing at all the sad parts.
Copyright © 2013, SatireWire.com
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