Big Tobacco Can't Afford Verdict; Smokers Must Buy More Cigarettes

Miami, Fla. (SatireWire.com) – Tobacco companies insisted today the record $145 billion verdict against them will bankrupt the industry, but victorious plaintiffs refused to let the enemy off the hook… Read more

MEDIA METRIX CHANGES MEASUREMENT TERMS

New York, N.Y. (Satirewire.com) – Internet audience measurement firm Media Metrix, seeking to differentiate itself from competitors NetRatings and PC Data, announced yesterday it will no longer use the term… Read more

SALLY STRUTHERS BEGS YOU TO SAVE THE DOT-COMS

Share Your Love with an Internet Company in Need; Become a Sponsor “Hello there, Right now, all over the world, dot-coms are hurting. They are suffering from faulty business plans… Read more

SMALL INVESTORS URGED TO LEAVE PANIC TO PROFESSIONALS

“Market watchers blame much of last week’s sell-off on institutional investors. Some mutual fund managers are selling out to raise cash just in case more individual investors cash out in… Read more

EXECUTIVE ROAD TRIP: MY NIGHT WITH BILL GATES

SatireWire’s Andy Marlatt Tours the Capital with The Man (or Boy?) from Redmond WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Bill Gates and I drive along E Street in my rented Corolla, past… Read more

DOT-COMS "JUST KIDDING" ABOUT BEING DOT-COMS, SAY DOT-COMS

Profitless Internet Firms Insist They’re Unfairly Labeled as Profitless Internet Firms SAN JOSE, CAL. (SatireWire.com) – Arguing they are being unfairly labeled as money-losing dot-coms, nearly 400 money-losing dot-coms announced… Read more

Juno, NetZero Merger to Create Largest ISP To Someday Declare Bankruptcy

Los Angeles (SatireWire.com) – Struggling rivals Juno Online and NetZero announced a $70 million merger Thursday, instantly creating what will be the nation’s No. 2 Internet access provider, and the… Read more

Microsoft Hacker Still A Mystery; Sun Releases Sun Office, Sun 2000

Redmond, Wash. (SatireWire.com) – Microsoft executives continued to insist today that whoever hacked into their computer system did not gain access to the source codes of its major products. However,… Read more

Lucent Finds New COO On Stock Message Boards

New York, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Lucent Technologies today announced it has ended its search for a new chief operating officer with the surprise hiring of Stockpicker_Dude_78, a frequent poster on… Read more

Airlines Drop Arrival, Departure Times

Newark, N.J. (SatireWire.com) – Responding to a dramatic rise in complaints over flight delays, several major airlines announced today they will no longer attach “stress-inducing” numbers to arrival and departure… Read more
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