DES MOINES, IOWA (SatireWire.com) — With skepticism mounting over his claims of juvenile delinquency, Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson today issued the most self-damning evidence yet, insisting that not only did he regularly wield weapons, and once tried to stab a man, but he also fucked your mother.
“Despite these efforts to deny my young life of crime, I assure you I was a terrible person who did terrible things,” said Carson. “For example – and I believe this adequately reflects my point – I fucked your mother. I recall that one day I came upon a distaff member of the homo sapiens species, and upon seeing her I felt an engorgement of my reproductive organ, and so motivated, I acted upon it with what I can only describe as youthful rage.”
Carson, who leads in many polls, added that before finding God and managing to calm his inner demons, he set fire to an orphanage, punched a homeless man, and kneecapped the entire 1963 Detroit Pistons basketball team.
Carson’s insistence on his delinquency came into question recently after CNN investigative reporters could find no witnesses to attest to his allegedly violent past. However, the retired neurosurgeon, known for his soporific manner, blasted those who would doubt him.
“I’m not proud of any of my past behaviors, but I want you to see that I’m a changed person,” said Carson. “If you choose not to believe me, that’s fine. I mean, there was a time when that would have angered me. There was a time when I would have gone after you with a pitchfork and ripped out your entrails. I would have gutted you like a fish. But upon reflection, I believe that such activity no longer interests me.”
In regard to his latest assertion, Carson refused to identify the particular mother, leading some in the media to immediately doubt its veracity. However, speaking to the press afterward, Carson spokesman James Spreedlow clarified, saying the victim was not meant to be a particular mother, but instead was a composite of all your mothers.
Carson’s violent claims – and his lead in many polls – quickly caused rival candidates in the crowded field to insist that they, too, were horrible people in their younger years:
- Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush now claims he once crushed the skull of a Shetland pony using only two fingers.
- New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie recalled that he ate a disabled veteran’s wheelchair with the veteran still in it.
- South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham said he used a knitting needle to blind his entire third grade class.
- Sen. Marco Rubio said he bombed a pet cemetery.
- Ohio Gov. John Kasich denied never selling babies to crack dealers.
- Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul admits he regularly drew penises on pictures of author Ayn Rand.
- Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal said he regularly kidnapped pizza delivery drivers and sold their kidneys.
- Texas Sen. Ted Cruz said he fucked your sister.
- Business executive Carly Fiorina said she fucked your brother.
- Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee said he fucked your father.
- Meanwhile, business mogul Donald Trump said that when he was a young man, he was Donald Trump.
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