KNIVES, TANKS, WHALES – AIRPORT SCREENERS NOW FAILING TO CATCH ANYTHING

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- In a troubling sign that investigators may be getting bored with their success smuggling guns and knives onto airplanes, the U.S. Department of Transportation today disclosed… Read more

BAD PLANET! JUPITER DOING SOMETHING WRONG

Out There (SatireWire.com) - For the second time in a week, humanity watched in fear and awe as a mysterious arm, estimated to be some 3 million light years across,… Read more

VIAGRA SPILL REVIVES LAKE MICHIGAN

Chicago (SatireWire.com) - A freighter containing 62,000 metric tons of popular impotence drug Viagra struck a reef and sank in Lake Michigan today. As a result, the once-frigid lake no… Read more

REMAINING U.S. CEOs MAKE A BREAK FOR IT

El Paso, Texas (SatireWire.com) -- Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining unincarcerated CEOs of U.S. public companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for the… Read more

STUDY FINDS WOMEN WHO DRINK WAY MORE FUN TO STUDY

Cambridge, Mass. (SatireWire.com) -- According to a new study on female alcohol use and blood pressure, young women who consume two or three alcoholic drinks a week are much more… Read more

RELIGIOUS MERGER CREATES 900 MILLION HINJEWS

Hinjew leaders today conceded the merger of Hinduism and Judaism has not worked as planned, as instead of forming a super-religion to fight off the common Islamic enemy, they have… Read more

GIRLFRIEND ANNOUNCES DISAPPOINTING Q3 RESULTS

Relationship Falls Well Below Expectations New York, N.Y. (SatireWire) – Laura Feldstein (Brooklyn, 24) today announced disappointing results in her relationship with skeezing loser boyfriend Derek McHugh (Brooklyn, 27) for… Read more

Chat E-bbreviations

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Ask The Startled

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Report That Pessimists Die Sooner – No Big Surprise to Pessimists

New York (SatireWire.com) – A study issued Tuesday claiming that pessimists have more long-term health problems than positive people just proves pessimists were right, say pessimists. Read more
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