F.B.I. Predicts New Microsoft OS May Render Carnivore Obsolete

Washington, D.C. ( – President Bush signed sweeping anti-terrorism legislation Friday that gives police unprecedented ability to search and eavesdrop by requiring all Americans to install Windows XP.

The latest Microsoft operating system, which was released Thursday, XP has come under heavy fire from privacy advocates who say it coerces users into signing up for its Passport and .NET services, which collect extensive personal information and will allow Microsoft to track, profile, and monitor Internet usage without users’ knowledge. To access that data, the anti-terror act mandates that the F.B.I. become an official Microsoft partner.


“For us to defeat our enemies, we need to do our jobs so that people don’t realize they’re being tracked and don’t realize that their sensitive information is susceptible to being exposed,” said Attorney General John Ashcroft. “Fortunately, Microsoft has developed just such a tool, and for the common good, it is incumbent upon all Americans to do their duty and install this program.”

“Hold on, I read the wrong statement,” Ashcroft added. “That was from Microsoft’s marketing manual.”

Speaking at a press conference in Redmond, Wash., Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer was surprisingly candid about XP’s information gathering capabilities.

“Naturally, in our business, we’d like to know as much as we can about everyone we can,” he said. “That’s a great way to judge things like satisfaction and loyalty. And it certainly wouldn’t hurt in that regard if we always knew what you were doing and where you were going. Is that illegal? I don’t think so, and apparently Congress doesn’t think so, but I admit I haven’t read the whole Constitution.”

“Hold on, I read the wrong statement,” Ballmer added. “That’s something Ashcroft said to me at a party last night.”

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