WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — American voters sent a strong signal to Washington on Tuesday, overturning Congress and effectively “tossing out the bums” who, in 2006 and 2008, threw out the previous bums who, in 2000, threw out the previous bums who, in 1996, threw out the bums preceding them.
“With their voices and their votes, the American people have delivered a clear message,” said an emotional Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner. “And that message is: ‘The current way does not work. Please do things the previous way that did not work.’”
“American voters don’t want more of the same,” he added. “They want more of the other same.”
While Democrats retained control of the Senate, the GOP retook the House of Representatives by a wide margin. Sixty new Republicans will head to Washington to not do what they were elected to do, unlike those they replace, who did what they were elected not to do.
“Make no mistake, these newcomers are very different from their predecessors,” said Georgetown University political scientist Austin Engle. “For one thing, they have different names. And most of them have a different letter next to their name — some have an (R) while others have a (D). And, um… yeah.”
Epitomizing the drastic change from the previous change was Tea Party favorite Rand Paul, elected to the Senate in Kentucky, who voters saw as an outsider because his father is an 11-term congressman. “We don’t need government, and we need to take government back!” the Republican told rapturous supporters, who responded with shouts of, “Yes!” “No!” and “Can we vote you out yet?”
With such rhetoric, Paul and other newcomers are not expected to compromise with the Obama administration, but the President said he called Boehner on Tuesday to congratulate the projected House speaker and discuss issues they have in common.
“The voters are wise,” he said. “They realize we have not moved forward enough. They are saying, ‘We have moved too far forward. Slow down. But faster.’”
Outside a polling station in Dayton, Ohio, voter Stephanie Hoeflick summed up the feelings of the nation. “We want people in Congress who will reduce spending, cut taxes, and create jobs; people who will resist temptation and partisanship and work to make life better for all Americans,” she said. “And then we hold elections and pick someone else.”
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