BIRMINGHAM, AL (SatireWire.com) — Following Roy Moore’s surprise loss to Democrat Doug Jones in the Alabama Senate race Tuesday, the state’s Republican leaders said they may reconsider their recent decision to run only homophobic, racist accused pedophiles in the 2018 midterm elections.
“After we saw how Roy Moore kept his lead in the polls despite everything, we decided to have a litmus test for future candidates where you have to be anti-abortion, you have to be pro-gun, and you have to be a homophobic, racist accused pedophile,” said Alabama Republican Party spokesman Paul Hampton. “We thought that’s what voters wanted, so we lined up hundreds of matching candidates with this formula, but now we’re unsure.”
The formula does seem flawed as Jones, who ran on a platform of not being a homophobic, racist accused pedophile, defeated Moore by about 21,000 votes. While GOP insiders took solace in the fact that more than 48 percent of voters supported a homophobic, racist accused pedophile, they expressed concern that as many as half of Alabamans decided being a homophobic, racist accused pedophile is a bad thing.
“Before the election, there was one poll where a third of Republican voters claimed the allegations against Judge Moore made them more likely to vote for him,” said Republican strategist Jake Naughton. “But now I think people were just saying they would vote for Moore because they didn’t want to admit they secretly supported a guy who wasn’t a homophobic, racist accused pedophile.
“It could be they were afraid their neighbors would find out, I don’t know, but it’s troubling,” Naughton added.
That trouble lies in the massive slate of candidates set to run in hundreds of statewide races next year, including seven U.S. House seats, the governor, lieutenant governor, and attorney general, as well as the state legislature.
“Based on Tuesday’s election, you have to wonder how far this thing goes,” said Hampton. “If Republicans don’t want a homophobic, racist accused pedophile senator, does that mean they don’t want a homophobic, racist accused pedophile congressman? They don’t want a homophobic, racist accused pedophile governor? Obviously we’ll have to do more polling.
“And hey, maybe we’re reading this wrong,” Naughton added. “Maybe Moore lost because he wasn’t homophobic, racist accused pedophile enough.”
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