WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — After years of banging their heads against a wall in frustration over the inability of the White House and Congress to work together, Americans went to the polls Tuesday and voted overwhelmingly to continue banging their heads against a wall.
The election gave President Obama a second term, and upheld the Republican majority in the House and the Democratic majority in the Senate, a combination that has thus far proven to be singularly ineffective and cranially indentive.
“Ouch. Ouch. Ouch,” muttered 38-year-old Chris Podolski, blood dripping onto his “I Voted” sticker as he repeatedly bashed his head against the brick façade of the Eldridge Middle School in Richmond, Va. “OK, all yours,” he added as another voter emerged from the polls to take his place at the wall.
In his post-victory speech, the President acknowledged the looming fiscal cliff and divided nation made things tough, but insisted Americans’ foreheads were tougher.
“Tonight, I’d like to thank you all for giving me the opportunity to work with an intractably divided congress once again,” he said. “Some pundits said you wouldn’t do it, that you were tired of hurting yourselves, but you looked at Washington, you saw all the partisanship and stubbornness and rancor, and you said, ‘Yes. More, please.’
“You know Albert Einstein, that great German-American, said the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results,” Obama added. “Well tonight, the American electorate has spoken. It has said, loud and clear, that America is not a collection of red states and blue states. Instead, we are a collection of insane states.”
At press time, all state votes had been accounted for except Florida, where cranial self-injury contributed to long lines at the polls.
“People were filling out their ballots, slotting them into the machines, then banging their heads against the wall on the way out,” said Florida election official Jill Prbicz. “The line for banging your head was actually longer than the line to vote because people kept blacking out.”
At most polling places, quick-thinking workers began using towels, pillows, and manila envelopes to cushion the blows and prevent serious injury.
“Fortunately, you could tell when someone was going to bang their head against the wall,” said Prbicz. “Usually they were the ones in the booth, filling out their ballots and muttering, ‘We’re fucked’ over and over.”
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