To Avoid Layoffs, Use the Proper Tools, Say Employment Experts
Minneapolis, Minn. (SatireWire.com) — When the economy loses altitude and companies shed weight to stay aloft, employees the world over live in constant fear of layoffs. But according to job placement experts, sometimes job security can be as simple your boss, a hooker, and a camera.
It’s a strategy James Heinrick swears by. One morning late last month, Heinrick arrived at work to find that his company, a well known, mid-sized technology firm, was reorganizing. Everyone in Heinrick’s 45-person department was being laid off.
“It was a life moment,” Heinrick recalls, “and my first thoughts were of Robert Burns’ But oh! fell death’s untimely frost, that nipt my flower sae early. But then I remembered I had secretly taken those photos of my boss with a prostitute.”
Not surprisingly, Heinrick was reassigned within the company, proof that this simple set of tools alone can keep anyone from getting a pink slip. However, Linda Grant, who teaches photography at recruiting firm Dillard, Browning, and Pahl, advises her clients not to abandon traditional methods.
“To make yourself indispensable, you should always volunteer for assignments, stay current in your area of expertise, and project a positive, can-do attitude,” Grant says. “For example, never say I didn’t do it. Say I’ll fix it. Never say I won’t. Say I’ll try. And never say I can’t. Say, I would rather show you the pictures I took of you with that hooker.“
Be warned, however, that the price can be steep. Contrary to popular belief, most executives are not using company money to sleep with hookers, says Nelson Cowan, director of placement at Levi & Tottenham. As a result, employees often have to foot the bill themselves, often upwards of $1,000, including motel room. And there is another obstacle, Cowan says. In many cases, a manager may not be threatened by pictures showing him with a hooker because he is unmarried, or European.
In such instances, employees have to be more creative, and in the New Economy, creativity is rewarded, as this actual example from an Internet services company illustrates:
BOSS: “Brad, the company has reached a fork in the road, and we must now take the path to profitability. I’m afraid you’re blocking that path.”
BRAD: “Huh?”
BOSS: “You’re being laid off, Brad.”
BRAD: “Oh. Alright.”
BOSS: “That’s a very mature attitude. I’ll write you a good recommendation.”
BRAD: “OK. Can you staple these photos to it?”
pause…
BRAD: “I think the one with the sheep came out nice.”
BOSS: “Brad, I like your creativity.”
BRAD: “I’ll just go back to my cubicle then.”
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