| “US embassy cables: US talks up Belgium in effort to get it to take Guantánamo detainees” – The Guardian “Belgium was told accepting more prisoners would be a ‘low-cost way’ to ‘attain prominence in Europe.” – Reuters “For the past few months, Embassy Brussels has been working to set the stage for a change in Belgium’s self-concept as a small, meek country… to a country that can show leadership in Europe.” – U.S. Embassy cable, Nov. 24, 2009 |
U.S. EMBASSY CABLE Tue. 24 Nov. 2009, 14:00
MEETING: U.S. – BELGIUM AMBASSADORS, NATO HQ BRUSSELS
SUBJECT: HOW GUANTANAMO PRISONERS CAN INCREASE BELGIUM’S STATUS
S E C R E T. NOFORN. TDTM. RUH?
TAGS: SIPDIS, WTF? NFI, OMG, NSFW, FUBAR, STFU, NO YOU STFU
TRANSCRIPT: SATIREWIRE.COM
U.S.: Hello. Thanks for coming in. Remind me again, you are…?
BELGIUM: Belgium.
U.S: Yes. OK. And if I ask you to describe yourself in a word, what would it be?
BELGIUM: Belgium.
U.S: No, I mean are you ‘cool?’ Are you ‘in?’ Are you one of the ‘It’ countries in Europe?
BELGIUM: Probably not.
U.S: Exactly. I know I’ve never heard of you. But how would you like to become an ‘It’ country? How would you like to instantly up your prestige in Europe? Get invited to all the big conferences. Maybe even the G20? Really be somebody?
BELGIUM: Sounds OK.
U.S: Great. Then you gotta get one.
BELGIUM: Get one what?
U.S: A Guantanamoan. Latest thing. Very hot.
BELGIUM: Guantana…?
U.S: Moan. Guantanamoan. Meaning ‘from Guantanamo.’ In the Carribean. Oo la la, right? Everybody’s getting one this year. They’re the new black.
BELGIUM: You mean a Guantanamo prisoner? A terrorist?
U.S: Hey, shhhh. They’re not all terrorists. Probably. We’re not sure. So what do you say? One Guantanamoan for a thousand prestige points?
BELGIUM: Prestige points?
U.S: Yes. You collect them. Get 10,000 and can have your picture taken with President Obama. Very hip. Very ‘now.’
BELGIUM: What do you get for 1,000?
U.S: Bristol Palin.
BELGIUM: No thanks.
U.S: Alright we’ll give you 10,000. Deal?
BELGIUM: No. Those prisoners are dangerous.
U.S.: “Dangerously cool” you mean.
BELGIUM: We don’t want a terrorist.
U.S: Guantanamoan. Look, they’ll fit right in. The orange jumpsuits? Orange is your national color, right?
BELGIUM: Orange is Holland.
U.S: You’re not Holland?
BELGIUM: No, we’re Belgium.
U.S: But you’re also known as the Netherlands?
BELGIUM: No that’s Holland. We’re Belgium.
U.S: What else are you called?
BELGIUM: Belgium.
U.S: Well there you go. You wanna be somebody, you need two names. We’re both the U.S. and America. In Europe it’s the same. Holland and the Netherlands. England and the U.K. See? Two names. So, you take a Guantanamoan, we’ll give you a second name. How about ‘Magic B?’ That’s a cool name.
BELGIUM: No. And England is actually part of the…
U.S: Look, I’m just trying to help you out here. You’re on the outside right now. But you take one Guantanamoan, boo-ya! You’re instantly on the map. All the popular countries are doing it.
BELGIUM: Like?
U.S: Um… Slovenia. Hungary…
BELGIUM: They’re not popular.
U.S: How about Bossanova?
BELGIUM: You mean Bosnia.
U.S: Also known as Bossanova. Now. They got a Guantanamoan, so they got this cool Latin dance name. That’s what happens.
BELGIUM: No thanks.
U.S: ‘Salsa’ is available.
BELGIUM: No.
U.S: Alright look. Take a prisoner, you can join NATO.
BELGIUM: We’re already in NATO.
U.S: Really?
BELGIUM: Yes. We’re in NATO headquarters right now. In Belgium.
U.S: That’s… Belgium? With a B?
BELGIUM: Yes.
U.S: Fascinating. I never see you at the meetings.
BELGIUM: You make us sit at the little countries’ table.
U.S: Still, if you’re in NATO you should speak up more.
BELGIUM: I do speak up, but you always…
U.S: Hmm… Belgium. Like ‘Bell’ and ‘Jim.’ ‘Ring the bell Jim!’ There. I’ve memorized it. Sorry, you were saying?
BELGIUM: …interrupt me.
U.S: Well of course I do. You’re nobody. See that’s my point. You need to take a Guantanamoan so you’re somebody. Give you a little gravitas, guarding an international terrorist. Protecting the world. You’ll be just like an itty bitty U.S.
BELGIUM: We don’t want to be an itty bitty U.S.
U.S: Of course you do. Don’t be silly. Alright, what do you want to be?
BELGIUM: Belgium.
U.S: Really? I don’t think so. They’re nobody. I only heard of them today.
BELGIUM: No, we are Belgium, and we want to be Belgium. That’s it.
U.S: Oh I see. No, when I say a country needs two names, it has to be two different names. Like Holland and the Netherlands. You can’t be Belgium and Belgium. Nice try though.
BELGIUM: We’re not taking a Guantanamoan.
U.S: Kanye.
BELGIUM: What?
U.S: I’ll let you be Kanye. Your cool second name. Hungary wanted that one, but I really think it suits a totally fly country like yours.
BELGIUM: I have to go now.
U.S: A million prestige points! We’ll Photoshop you into pictures of Abraham Lincoln.
BELGIUM: No.
U.S: OK, we’ll declare war on you.
BELGIUM: You’ve no cause!
U.S: That’s never stopped us.
BELGIUM: Fine. We’ll take one Guantanamoan. But we still get the points.
U.S: Of course. Well, this is excellent. Thanks for coming in Kanye.
BELGIUM: Don’t call me that.
U.S: I’m afraid I have to. I’ve forgotten who you are.
Copyright © 2010, SatireWire
