WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Speaking on national television Tuesday night, a generally unpopular person told a large gathering of statistically even less popular people that if they do not agree to help him do popular things he will do them on his own even though one reason they’re all so unpopular is because the unpopular person and the even less popular people can never agree on anything that would make any of them more popular.
Addressing the state of the nation, which itself is increasingly unpopular, the generally unpopular person said the statistically even less popular people should work with him to reform unpopular laws that hurt certain segments of the people among whom they are unpopular. He also chided the least popular half of the less popular people for repeatedly attempting to undo things the generally unpopular person has already done; things that, depending on whom you ask, are either mostly popular or wildly unpopular.
In an official response to the generally unpopular person, a relatively popular representative of the least popular half of the even less popular people said the generally unpopular person is unpopular because he insists on doing things that aren’t popular, even though polls show the things the generally unpopular person wants to do would generally be popular, although not, admittedly, among the people for whom the least popular half of the even less popular people are popular. As expected, the relatively popular representative of the least popular half of the even less popular people went on to say several things about the generally unpopular person that were particularly unpopular with the people among whom the generally unpopular person is relatively popular.
The evening began when the head of the least popular half of the even less popular people, himself a particularly unpopular shade of orange, introduced the generally unpopular person, after which the generally unpopular person was applauded by all of the even less popular people. During the speech, however, the generally unpopular person said several things that were unpopular with the least popular half of the even less popular people, causing the more popular half of the even less popular people to applaud and the least popular half of the even less popular people to not applaud because appearing to support the generally unpopular person would be quite unpopular among people who support the least popular half of the even less popular people.
The most popular moment of the night was when the generally unpopular person pointed out a particularly patriotic person who was injured in an unpopular war started by the generally unpopular person’s even more unpopular predecessor. The particularly patriotic person received sustained popular applause, which was entirely appropriate.
In a poll released after the generally unpopular person addressed the even less popular people, a majority of the populace said they still don’t like any of them.
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