WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Wielding the tautological argument, “If everyone is special, then no one is special,” the White House today said the government is not technically spying on anyone because it is spying on everyone.
“Being spied on and being special are really very similar,” explained NSA Director Gen. Keith Alexander at a Senate Intelligence Committee hearing. “If everyone is ‘special’ then no one is special because to be special you have to be different or apart from the norm. Same thing with spying. If everyone is being spied on, then no one is being spied on because to be spied on you have to — by definition — have periods of time when you’re not being spied on in order for the spying to seem abnormal and not just part of everyday life.
“As it turns out, there are no periods of time when you’re not being spied on,” said Alexander. “Therefore, you’re not being spied on.”
“That is absurd,” responded Sen. Mark Udall, (D-CO).
“Not if I say it over and over and over,” Alexander replied. “Then it eventually becomes normal. You see?”
Although the White House had previously denied universally tracking Americans, Alexander insisted his statement did not indicate a policy change.
“It’s not an about-face because that would imply we were facing one particular way to begin with,” he said. “In fact, it is the policy of this administration to face all ways simultaneously and as a result we cannot do an about-face.”
Sen. Rand Paul, (R-KY), however, accused the administration of violating the Fourth Amendment’s protection against unreasonable searches and seizures. The NSA director refuted the charge.
“Unreasonable means, ‘Beyond the limits of acceptability or fairness,’ but we’re doing this to everyone, which is very fair,” said Alexander. “And by doing this all the time, there is no ‘limit’ beyond which we could go, even if we wanted to.
“Legally, therefore, we’re not being unreasonable,” he said.
“But you’re targeting Americans,” responded Udall.
“Actually, we’re randomly firing into a crowd that happens to contain some Americans,” Alexander said. “Big difference.”
“It’s still dishonest,” said Udall.
“Ah, but what is ‘truth?’ Alexander countered.
“Oh shut up,” Udall said.
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