WINDEREMERE, FL (SatireWire.com) — His reputation destroyed by addictions to sex and himself, Tiger Woods began using his Twitter account today, his advisors hoping this chatty, down-to-earth persona will somehow make people forget he’s Tiger Woods.
Below is the latest from Wood’s Twitter page, with tweets in reverse order.
Tiger Woods
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Hey it’s me, Tiger. Tiger Woods. And I’m on Twitter! about 2 hours ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
So… yeah. I’m a real person now. Doing real person things.So we’re all cool? We good? Can I stop? Cause this is lame. about 1 hour ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Sorry, handler alert! I’m not supposed to say it’s lame! It’s ‘important.‘ You’re important. I’m really important. about 1 hour ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Right, no. I’m NOT really important. It’s important that you don’t think I think I’m more important. Than you. Say that. about 58 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
What? How do you ‘tweet sincerely’? OK, they’re all REAL important. about 58 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Sorry, I was talking to someone else. I’m supposed to say ‘you.’ You are all real important. about 56 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Except I’m not supposed to say ‘I’m supposed to say,’ so forget that part. about 55 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
And now I’m going to say, ‘Thanks for all the love.’ about 53 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
By which I mean like not sexually. Cause that’s in my past. about 52 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Hang on I’m gonna take a Twitter Mulligan. about 49 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Hey it’s me Tiger again. I’m just hangin’ out today. Sayin’ what’s on my normal humble mind. Just me ‘n Team Tiger. about 48 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
No! Don’t say Team Tiger! I mean, I didn’t say Team Tiger. I said my friends. Hangin’ with friends. Just like you have. Talkin bout my celebrity Q scores. Which are down in the sh… about 46 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
There’s a character limit? Damn, everybody’s tryin’ to limit me! about 45 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Oh. 140 characters. I gotta be brief. Speaking of which, any briefs companies out there need a spokesperson? I’m pretty free at the mo. about 41 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
By which I don’t mean sexually. Cause that’s not who I am anymore. about 40 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
OK, right, just what’s on my mind. So, I played some golf this morning. Got in 18 holes. about 33 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
By which I don’t mean sexually. about 33 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Something else. about 30 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Sorry. I’m supposed to type ABOUT something else. But don’t type this .. Oh. about 28 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Yeah, so, I hit the links with Federer and Jeter. In fact they closed the course for us. about 25 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
No! Hey, sorry, forget that! I don’t get to live by different rules. The same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me. about 20 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
By which I don’t mean sexually. about 18 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
What? OK I do mean sexually. about 18 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Jesus! Stop limiting my character! Fine, new subject. And smile. No don’t type that. about 15 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Hey, cool! I’ve got like 200,000 followers already. about 12 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
By which I don’t mean sexually. about 10 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
What? You told me to type what’s on my mind! about 9 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Sorry, I’m not speaking to anyone. And that’s not on my mind. Since the clinic. Now I focus on my core image. about 7 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Values. Right. Core values. See I’m not the same Tiger. I’m the old Tiger again. But the Tiger you thought I was. Not the other old Tiger I really was. about 6 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
n’t. Wasn’t. Really wasn’t. about 5 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Yup. Pretty happy now. I made some mistakes, but I finally got my head on straight. about 2 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
By which I don’t mean sexually. about 2 minutes ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Sorry … Damn, this is hard. about 50 seconds ago via web ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
By which I don’t mean (account suspended) about 30 seconds ago via web
