APRIL 18-25
NEW HAVEN, CT (SatireWire.com) — From the bombings in Boston to potholes in Britain to whatever it was CNN got wrong this time, someone or something has to take the blame. As a new public service, SatireWire presents, “This Week in Blame” — a sadly accurate list of 50 actual things blamed for things during the past 7 days.
(See footnotes at bottom for causes of blame)
| 1. | The FBI |
| 2. | The CIA |
| 3. | The NRA |
| 4. | Profiteroles |
| 5. | North Korea |
| 6. | South Korea |
| 7. | Drug-resistant gonorrhea |
| 8. | A 10-year-old with pepper spray |
| 9. | A 49-year-old with memory lapses |
| 10. | A 19-year-old with five bombs |
| 11. | A news anchor with F* bombs |
| 12. | No one |
| 13. | Everyone |
| 14. | Each other |
| 15. | Someone else |
| 16. | The Jews |
| 17. | His previous lawyer |
| 18. | His Jihadist brother |
| 19. | Her previous makeup artist |
| 20. | Unusually high winds |
| 21. | “Unusually thin” windows |
| 22. | Windows 8 |
| 23. | The Syrian government |
| 24. | The Cinnamon Challenge |
| 25. | The sequestration |
| 26. | The New York Jets |
| 27. | The Jews again |
| 28. | Barack Obama |
| 29. | A band of Gypsies |
| 30. | The band Nirvana |
| 31. | The Roman Empire |
| 32. | Weather |
| 33. | Hackers |
| 34. | |
| 35. | “Twattery” |
| 36. | Glancing suggestively |
| 37. | Plastic surgery |
| 38. | Lack of exercise |
| 39. | Too much exercise |
| 40. | An overloaded electrical outlet |
| 41. | A source who failed to “clarify” |
| 42. | A cormorant |
| 43. | An otter |
| 44. | A dog |
| 45. | An Elvis impersonator |
| 46. | Sorry it’s not the Elvis impersonator it’s someone else |
| 47. | Bald tires |
| 48. | A microwavable teddy bear |
| 49. | Liverpool striker Luis Suarez, and… |
| 50. | The Jews again |
BLAMENOTES:
1– Failing to track the Boston bombers; 2– Failing to track the Boston bombers; 3– Stopping gun background checks; 4– Listeria outbreak; 5– Scaring the world; 6– Scaring North Korea; 7– Being untreatable, also awful; 8– Injuries; 9– Stealing money; 10– Boston Marathon bombing; 11– Firing of said news anchor; 12– a missing guitar; 13– Sexual assaults; 14– Haliburton/BP/Transocean; 15– The Boston bombings, according to the suspects’ mother; 16– The Boston bombings; 17; Discrepancies in the defendant’s testimony; 18– Getting him to go along with the bombing; 19– Putting too much makeup on Joseline Hernandez; 20– Knocking down a Canadian building; 21– Causing a man to fall to his death after his wife pushed him through said window; 22– Being Windows 8, mostly; 23– Using chemical weapons; 24– Sending youths to the hospital; 25– Airport delays; 26– Signing Tim Tebow; 27– Derailing the peace process; 28– Budget woes; 29– Theft of rhino heads; 30– Ruining David Lee Roth’s career; 31– British potholes; 32– Higher commodity prices; 33– Hacking the AP’s Twitter feed; 34– Allowing itself to be hacked; 35– Getting a British politician in trouble; 36– Women being raped in India; 37– Causing all Miss South Korea pageant contestants to look alike; 38– Obesity; 39– TV presenter Andrew Marr’s heart attack; 40– A fire; 41– CNN’s John King erroneously reporting the Boston bombing suspects had been arrested; 42– Killing fish; 43– Killing fish; 44– Killing a cat; 45– Sending a Ricin-laced letter to the White House; 46– Or not; 47– Road accident; 48– A fire; 49– Biting an opposing player; 50– All wars, plots, and corruption in the world. Obviously.
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