WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In yet another shocking turn, the unraveling Pentagon sex scandal has revealed the United States appears to still be involved in some kind of war in Afghanistan.
In nearly 30,000 pages of documents seized by the FBI, the words “war,” “Afghanistan,” and “U.S. Forces” come up repeatedly, alongside those of generals David Petraeus and Joe Allen, as well as Petraeus’ mistress Paula Broadwell and Florida socialite Jill Kelley.
While the allegations of illicit affairs and sexual flirtation continue to capture the headlines, many were angered that military leaders continued to take part in what was thought to be a long-dead conflict.
“I understand generals are entitled to sex, but the idea that they were getting a little ‘shooty-shooty bang-bang’ on the side is infuriating,” said Littleton, Co. resident Krystal Anderson. “I don’t think it necessarily hinders them from being generals, but surely the military code of conduct frowns on this sort of thing.”
Far from denying it, Pentagon officials today readily confirmed the existence of the Afghan war, insisting they have repeatedly tried to call the nation’s attention to the 11-year-old conflict, in which more than 50,000 civilians and coalition forces have been killed or wounded.
“Oh, that war,” said CNN producer Evan Dillard. “Yeah, we’ve got some archived footage of it somewhere, but it doesn’t really take precedence over images of Paula Broadwell and Jill Kelley in tight, sleeveless tops.”
Aware of the newfound attention, the Pentagon said it has begun issuing status updates on the war using more sexual terminology to keep media interest. Its first update was released hours ago:
“The Afghan National Security Forces are growing stronger, larger, and more virile every day, and in the coming months, we expect these vigorous, swarthy men in uniform to seize the curvaceous mountain areas and eventually penetrate deeper into the hot, musky interior of the nation’s furtive regions.”
The Pentagon added that it has had numerous candid and revealing telephone and email exchanges with Afghan leaders, all of which are recorded and can be purchased discreetly from its web site, www.defense.gov/Afghanaughty.
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