NORFOLK, VA. (SatireWire.com) — Ending a dramatic 24 hours for college football, Jimmy Taswell-Berk, a second-string senior quarterback and one of the nation’s most mediocre high school players, has committed to telling drunk girls at parties that he was recruited by the University of Alabama.
Berk’s announcement was one of thousands made on National Commitment Day, when marginal high school players across the country decide which major college football programs they will, for the rest of their lives, falsely claim to have been recruited by. The 6’1” Berk, who will be lucky to make it as walk-on at a nearby small college, said Alabama was too impressive a program to say he turned down.
“I’ve thought long and hard over this decision, and although I appreciate the attention and interest I’m going to say I got from Coach Spurrier (South Carolina) and Coach Beamer (Virginia Tech), I’ve decided to say I was wanted badly by Alabama,” said Taswell-Berk in a live ESPNU broadcast. “I will say I couldn’t do it because it was just too far from home, which will hopefully convince people that’s the only reason I walked on at Hampton-Sydney College.
“In addition I intend to wear an Alabama Crimson Tide sweatshirt every day for the next 20 years in the hope that somebody asks me about it,” he added.
Commitment Day comes just a day after National Signing Day, when the country’s top high school players committed to their chosen universities. Analysts say it’s no surprise that national champion Alabama came out on top both days.
“Right now you’d have to say the Crimson Tide have the nation’s top program, so of course they got the strongest recruiting class,” said ESPNU’s Darius James, a former running back for Div. III California Lutheran who still tells people he was recruited by UCLA. “The best kids want to secure a spot to play at the best schools, and the insecure kids want people to think they could actually have played at the best schools.”
Other commitments included 5’9” safety Tim Thomas of Latrell High School in Kentucky, who chose the University of Cincinnati.
“I feel like Cincinnati is a better fit for me,” said Thomas, who intends to explain, sadly, that a knee injury forced him to turn the offer down. “I think it’s much more likely that people will believe I was recruited by them than, say, LSU or Georgia, which are major programs with really big players.”.
More than a few, however, were willing to reach for glory. At Aiken High School in South Carolina, half-decent tight end Brendan Rogers chose Georgia, saying he was swayed by teammate Nardell Kennedy’s decision to also pretend he had been recruited by the Bulldogs. “I really like the idea that Nardell and I will almost be teammates at Georgia in our minds,” he said. “I think if we work together and bolster each other’s claims, we’ll have a much better chance of getting people to believe us, particularly girls we wanna hook up with.”
Although most of the attention fell on high schoolers, some of the biggest commitments came from junior college transfers like 5’-10” OT Ryan Kneil, who after not playing at St. Louis Community College for two years, will transfer to the University of Indiana-Kokomo where he will continue to not play but claim he could have somewhere.
“I enjoyed St. Louis, but it was time for me to move on as people there frankly laughed when I told them I was recruited by Ohio State,” said Kneil, who in reality struggles to get his 250 pounds up a flight of stairs. “At Indiana-Kokomo I can get a fresh start since I’ll be claiming I was tapped by Montana State. That’s a strong program but small enough that I think I could plausibly claim I could have started.”
While Alabama had the most commitments, the second spot went to Penn State, whose off-field troubles convinced several hundred marginal athletes to imaginarily reject the Nittany Lion’s advances.
“For me it was a no-brainer,” said Troy Alves, the #3 tailback at Maryland’s Holyoke Prep. “Penn State offers me the opportunity to say I was recruited by a top program, but refused to go based on ethical grounds. I come off as a football player and sensitive at the same time. I tried it at a party last week and scored more than I ever did in on the field.
“Actually no, I scored 104 touchdowns in high school,” Alves corrected. “I’m pretty sure that’s the number I’ll be using.”
Coming at #3 was Stanford University, which picked up slow, relatively weak RB Marvonne Lewis of Demeter High School in Los Angeles.
“I chose Stanford because it’s an excellent school academically and athletically, which gives me the opportunity to claim to be coveted both for my brain and my brawn,” said Lewis. “I know my decision will present challenges, but I’m ready. Like if a girl at a party asks me why I didn’t go to Stanford, I will say, ‘Because I wouldn’t have met you, baby.’ So as you can see this is something I’ve thought about for a long time.”
While things may work out for Lewis, coaches warn that Chuck Gormer, a 195-lb. defensive tackle from Little Rock, Ark., may regret claiming he was recruited to play football at LSU.
“Gormer is not moving away from home, so a lot of his high school classmates will still be around,” said Ohio State head coach Urban Meyer, who didn’t actually say that because in truth he didn’t return our phone calls. “They’ll know he was a 3rd-string long snapper who didn’t even make the team his senior year and they could expose him. That will ruin Gormer’s relationship with his gullible co-worker at the Sunoco station who was otherwise going to spread the rumor that Chuck was almost big time.”
As for Jimmy Taswell-Berk, Alabama head coach Nick Saban said the Virginia quarterback would have “guaranteed Alabama a national championship” because we refused to stop pestering Saban until he said it.
Copyright © 2012, SatireWire.com
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