WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — President Obama accepted the resignation of Secret Service Director Julia Pierson on Wednesday, saying he looked forward to both finding a successor and for once not sleeping with a gun under his pillow.
The President said he would also try to get out of his new ADT Home Security contract, “but you know what that’s like.”
With her departure, Pierson instantly becomes the first unwanted person the agency has managed to keep from accessing a government building in nearly three years.
Pierson had been under fire for multiple attention-getting security lapses during her tenure, and sealed her fate during Congressional testimony on Tuesday, when she pledged to fix the agency’s problems by providing more secret and less service.
“I get what you’re saying, I do,” Pierson told members of the House Oversight Committee in her testimony. “Every time we fail to stop a fence jumper or allow an armed man into the elevator with the President, we draw attention to ourselves. And you’re thinking, ‘Hey, Secret Service, you’re not being very secret!’”
House members exchanged baffled looks before responding.
“Actually Madame Director,” said Rep. Stephen Lynch, D-MA, “the problem is, your agency keeps making mistakes…”
“And you keep hearing about it, I know,” Pierson interrupted. “But that won’t happen again. Because we’re going underground. Super secret. Like statues. No matter what happens, we won’t even move.”
Pierson then froze in place, staring into the distance without blinking.
“Madame Director?” asked Rep. Darrell Issa, R-CA, after an awkward pause.
“Statue,” Pierson whispered, her lips barely moving.
“Madame, just so we’re clear…” Issa said.
“No, I’m clear,” she replied. “A clear statue. Undetectable.”
“Just so we’re clear,” Issa continued, “are you saying that from now on, if someone threatens the President, you’re just going to ignore it? And please, unfreeze to answer.”
“No sir. We will deal with it,” Pierson said. “But internally. Amongst ourselves. In secret. So as not to tip our hand.”
“Then what’s to stop the threat from becoming reality?” asked Rep. Jason Chaffetz, R-UT.
“Exactly,” Pierson said. “Nobody will know. Everyone will be thinking, ‘Where are they? Why aren’t they doing anything?’ We’ll be like a mystery. Super super secret.”
Pierson then repeatedly waved her hands in front of her face, made a whooshing sound, and closed her eyes.
Committee members could not hide their frustration.
“Madame Director, what are you doing now?” asked Rep. Elijah Cummings, D-MD.
“I’m not here,” Pierson whispered.
“Madame Director, we can see you,” said Cummings.
“There is no Madame Director,” Pierson said. “There is no Secret Service. We’ve disappeared.”
After a short recess, committee members returned to the chamber and told Pierson they would recommend the President fire her.
In response, Pierson opened one eye and shrugged.
“Won’t work,” she said. “If you fire me, I’ll just break back into Secret Service headquarters and keep working. Security is really lapse.”
© 2014 SatireWire.com
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