NEW YORK (SatireWire.com) — It is entirely true, as Republicans claim, that Chrysler’s “Halftime in America” commercial, run during the Super Bowl and starring Clint Eastwood, was blatantly pro-Obama. After all, “halftime” clearly refers to it being halfway through Obama’s presidency. The ad’s assertion that Chrysler survived “tough times” is an obvious thank you for the government bailout. And at least one of the actors in the spot is African American. Just like President Obama. But what of the rest of the Super Bowl spots? Here’s the chillingly spot-on GOP analysis.
DORITOS – SLINGSHOT BABY
First, let’s all agree Doritos is a Spanish-sounding word and that illegal aliens speak Spanish. In this commercial, a young boy is holding a bag of illegal aliens. Grandma and baby brother want them, so grandma literally slingshots the child at the illegals. The liberal message: “Illegal aliens are yummy and we should do whatever it takes to embrace them.” And is it coincidence that “Barrack” is a crunchy sound?
BRIDGESTONE – PERFORMANCE FOOTBALL
Former quarterback Troy Aikman throws a football made from the same material as Bridgestone tires. The football curves wildly, which means defensive back Deion Sanders can’t make the interception. Seem innocent? Hardly. Aikman wears jersey number 8, as in 2008, when Obama was elected (and won New “Jersey”). Deion wears number 21, which is like saying, “Hey, everyone who’s 21, vote for Obama.” Because they all do. And of course 21 is just 12 reversed, as in the 2012 election. And since Deion ‘loses’ the competition in the commercial, this ad is clearly stating, “Don’t reverse your vote in 2012 because you’ll lose.” (NB: Here’s a clever subtext they don’t want you to think about – tires are made of rubber. Rubber is another word for contraceptive. Contraceptives are what Obama wants everyone to wear. Even children and old people.)
COCA-COLA POLAR BEARS
Polar bears are so cute. Look at them dancing and playing and watching TV and drinking Coca-Cola. We really do love them. In fact, hmmm, aren’t they in some kind of trouble? Why yes, yes they are! Global warming! Oh my God, save the polar bears! Save the ice caps! Reduce carbon emissions! Over-regulate industry! Raise taxes! Veto drilling rights for oil and gas reserves right here at home in (North) America! Think of the polar bears! … blech. This spot is worse than The Day After Tomorrow. But I think David Axelrod, or whoever wrote this, miscalculated. The protagonist is fat and white. It’s like giving Newt free face-time.
BUDWEISER – RETURN OF THE KING
Prohibition is over. Everyone in town is excited as they run to the bars to have a drink. (Metaphorical Kool-Aid?) Please. These people leave their jobs, their factories, even their fields and follow a bunch of horses and a Dalmatian (half black/half white. Hmmm…) And for what? A cheap, watered-down buzz. Yeah, let’s all get high and abandon the economy! Vote Obama!
ACURA – SEINFELD V. LENO
Pretty straightforward. A white, wealthy business executive (America) has dibs on the first Acura NSX (New Technology). Jerry Seinfeld (Jewish) desperately wants it and offers the businessman his most prized possessions. But at the last minute, America deprives Israel of the new technology and instead hands it over to Jay Leno. I’ll do the math for you: Jay Leno=Big Chin=Where do Chins live?=China. Disgusting.
CHEVROLET – THE APOCALYPSE
Basically a sequel to the Clint Eastwood propaganda. It’s post-apocalypse and everything appears dead (Thanks Obama!) Then out of the ashes a Chevrolet (bailout money) Silverado pickup emerges. Eventually several bailout pickup truck owners get together. One explains that a friend didn’t make it ’cause he drove a Ford (i.e., he didn’t take bailout money). Message: bailouts are good, capitalism is bad. Drive a Silveradobama! (NB: You’ll notice at the end that the black bailout truck owner is holding the Twinkies. That means something. We’ll get back to you.)
NFL TIMELINE
Viewers beware, for this spot’s obvious progressive slant undermines your very faith. It’s all about the evolution of football. You heard right, the “evolution” of football. Not the “creationist view” of football or even the “intelligent design” of football. Evolution only. It’s Obama’s way or the highway. Tim Tebow didn’t appear fully formed, oh no. Apparently he’s the product of years of adaptation and change. Oh, and you’d be blind not to see that some of the players in this ad are on a team called the Cowboys. By which I mean Cowboys=The West=Western Movies=Brokeback Mountain=Gays=Obama.
AUDI – VAMPIRE CAMP
A vampire drives up to a campground full of vampires. His Audi headlights are so bright the undead fangbangers explode. Funny, right? Except liberals constantly point out that venture capitalists are blood-sucking vampires. So when the car shines its lights on the vampires, Audi really wants you to think: Boom! Mitt Romney’s dead! Boom! Another Mitt Romney’s dead! Boom! Ha ha, killed another Romney! The subtext: Audi – a foreign company – saves America. Obama – a foreign president – saves America. I don’t even have to stretch for that.
M&Ms – JUST MY SHELL
A very intelligent, female, brown M&M is talking at a party. She discusses how people always think she is “naked,” and rolls her Ivy League elitist eyes. Then a male red M&M shows up, sees brown M&M, and says, “So it’s that kind of party!” Red M&M strips off his shell, revealing his naked brown body, and starts to dance. That the star of the show is brown and smart and Michelle Obama is the obvious part. The red M&M threw me until I realized that red is the color of communism, and when you strip away their façade, you’ll find a brown man. In the White House!
HONDA CRV – FERRIS BEULLER
Oh my God this is like a liberal manifesto! Matthew Broderick, reprising his Ferris Bueller role, calls in sick to work. (Like the Obama economy.) Then Broderick (Obramarick? Ferrack?), instead of doing the responsible thing, plays hooky. You’re not certain it’s supposed to be Obama until you see Broderick driving his CRV with a giant panda bear in the passenger seat. That’s right, in Obama’s America, China rides shotgun! But wait. He then joins in a Chinatown celebration where he sings for them. The message: “I no care about future, I just want make Chinese happy happy!” In the end he doesn’t say CRV stands for “Chinese R Victorious,” but that’s what he means.
H&M – DAVID BECKHAM
Steamy, sinewy David Beckham, covered in tattoos and pheremones, posing in his underwear. It’s a classic diversion: “Hey America, it’s David Beckham’s butt! Don’t look at the economy! Don’t look at wasteful spending! Don’t look at the regulatory burdens on small business! Oh no! Let’s just all check out that butt!” It’s also really “cowboy.” Cowboy=Obama.
PEPSI – RESPECT
Elton John is the king. He doesn’t want to share his Pepsi. His subjects try to entertain him to get some. Acrobats, dancers, jesters. When they fail, he pushes a lever. They fall into the dungeon. Then Melanie Amaro comes in, sings “Respect”, wins the crowd over, and drops Elton through the hole to the dungeon, where he meets Flava Flav. Honestly, who wrote that? Nancy Pelosi? I’m not gonna waste my breath explaining it.
Copyright © 2012, SatireWire.com
