VATICAN CITY (SatireWire.com) — In the second revelation in as many days, Pope Benedict XVI announced today he not only supports condom use, but intends to promote the cause by getting his mitre ribbed.
In a Vatican statement, Benedict said he chose to spread the message through his mitre because it is a powerful symbol of the Holy See, because its height makes it clearly visible, and “because it is vibrator-shaped. Obviously.”
The release reinforces the Pope’s pronouncement, in a new book, that condoms can be used to stop the spread of AIDS, citing as example a male prostitute. Conservative Catholics immediately tried to walk back the Pontiff’s words, insisting Benedict did not mean for women to use the contraceptive. But a statement today cleared up the uncertainty.
“His Holiness wishes to make it clear that he was speaking of both homosexuals and heterosexuals,” said Vatican spokesman Father Franco Cavetelli. “To encourage the faithful and show his support for this new doctrine, he will add rippled undulations to his headdress. But probably not a reservoir tip. That might look odd.”
The pronouncement sent shockwaves through the Church, which for decades has derided all forms of contraception. But Cardinal Marco Pirlo, speaking to a large group of assembled priests in St. Peter’s Square, explained there were limits to this new doctrine.
“While His Holiness now supports the use of condoms, he wishes it known that he still is opposed to homosexual sex,” Pirlo said, to the visible disappointment of the priests, who wandered off muttering.
While AIDS activists and liberal Catholics were excited by the shift, the move was no less welcomed by contraceptive makers, who have been waiting years for this moment. Within hours of the announcement, several manufacturers had already introduced condoms specifically geared to capture the untapped Catholic “condominus” market. Among the more than 20 brands already on shelves:
Nun Shall Pass
SanctuWearMe
Sexcommunication
Annulment
The Laity Killer
Missionary Impossible
Beatifence (with new Absolatex)
Purge-atory
Gospellant.
The Dome of the Rock
Resistine Chapel.
Immaculate Contraception
Hide the Bishopric
Hail Mary (Extra-Longs)
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